MeganDawn_Writes as MystikCeleste

 I have been quite fascinated with the topic of love and falling in love, the last couple months. Back in December, I wrote about realizing that I have never truly been in love. That realization has been on my mind a lot since occurring to me.  I was talking to a friend, today, about relationships and love and being independent. He had some very interesting insights on being independent and commented that he felt that a person could become too independent. And no, this wasn't a guy being a typical guy and trying to say that women need men. He was adamant that men are just as guilty of being too independent and thinking that they don't need a woman.  He was also quick to clarify that there was nothing wrong with being independent, but he believes that we all need someone in our lives to be there for us, to offer support, and all of that. I'm paraphrasing and summing up, here. And I agree with him 100%. I have to say, it was very fascinating to hear the views of this topic,...

  "What's the point?" I'll be honest, I have asked myself this question too many times in this last week.  I know some of you are thinking that this is a ridiculous and very dramatic way to react to my car giving out on me. But this was just one more block of the many that have been thrown in my path since September. And when you have too many types of anxiety - including paranoia, PTSD, and panic disorder - sometimes being rational is just beyond comprehension.  Full disclosure? I feel like things have been one thing after another since April 11, 2023. And I have wondered, many times, if I am being punished for my failure on that day. It's possible I have not dealt with that day as well as I thought. Or at all... And, just when it seems that things are finally going to go my way, something new happens. Yes, I know that most people feel like this at some point in their lives. But for me, with my disorders and history, these feelings can manifest into feelings of f...

Don't mind me I'm a fuck up, a manic depressive, a loser, a best friend You might call it human So, don't mind me if I let you down 'Cause I promise I always I'm doing the best that I can Look around a little and it ain't that bad I guess it's hard to understand Life when it hits you in the face with a backhand I'm doing the best that I can Over and over getting up when I fall back  Tell me is this part of the plan?  Fuck it. Keep my head up. I'm doing the best I Don't mind me (I'm doing the best I can.)  - Don't Mind Me by Tyler Posey, released in 2023 on his album Unravel  This song can apply to many people in many situations. For me, it's the perfect explanation of what it is like being me. I've said it before and I am sure I will say it many more times in my life, most of Tyler's songs are way too relatable for me. It's like he could have written them about my life. The fact that they are all about his own life, and wh...

  Teardrops are falling Down your face again, 'cause I  Don't know how to love you when I am broken, too Maybe your words make sense I could be the problem, I'm so sorry I know we could just be friends But I don't know when we come down from this, softly Checking on my phone, tryna see what I did last night Baby, I'm hating on myself 'cause I hate it when I make you cry  I know I have written about this, before, but I cannot stop thinking about this whole 'never having been in love' thing. It's kind of becoming an obsession. Not in a bad way or an in denial kind of way. Just the opposite, in fact. Looking back on my past and my previous relationships, I am 99.9% that it is true.  It's the question of 'why' that has become the obsession.  Am I incapable of being in love?  Clearly, I am capable of loving because I know I love my children beyond all reason. And there are a few friends that I know that I love. I know that I love them because ...

  Life gets hard and it gets messed up When you give so much, but it's not enough When the high's too high and the low's too low When you love someone and they let you go Don't you let it kill you Even when it hurts like hell Oh, whatever tears you apart Don't let it break your heart Time takes time to heal it You can't do it by yourself Oh, whatever tears you apart Don't let it break you heart. - Don't Let It Break Your Heart by Louis Tomlinson released in 2020 on his album Walls Okay, I know I used this song in the last blog. But it's just that good that it fits this one, too. Anyway... This whole finding myself and healing thing has been a very long process. It started back in October of 2018, when my last relationship ended. I had to face the knowledge that I had - for the 3rd time in a row - allowed myself to get in a relationship with an abusive, narcissistic, controlling person. That realization didn't sit well, and I went a bit crazy for ...

  I miss my habits, I'm such an addict Since I got sober I thought I'd be done with this by now Just wake me when it's over I don't wanna live through this comedown Stay the fuck away, there's not much more that I can take Since I got sober I thought I'd be over you by now Late nights, coffee and panic attacks I guess I don't wanna go back It's better than you checking on my Making sure I'm not dead by morning I'll keep coming back  Coming back, coming back I wish you'd stop coming back - Sober performed by Tyler Posey from his 2021 EP Drugs, written by Tyler Posey, Phem, and John Feldmann Guys, I knew that Tyler could act. He has done several movies and starred as Scott McCall in the 6 season run of MTV's Teen Wolf. But I had no idea he could sing or play guitar. Since discovering his music - when he announced the release of his song 'Lemon' on his Instagram - I have become obsessed.  His songs are so powerful and so relatable. T...

  We raise our glass You bet your ass La Vie Boheme To days of inspiration Playing hookie Making something out of nothing The need to express  To communicate To go against the grain Going insane Going mad To loving tension No pension To more than one dimension To starving for attention Hating convention Hating pretension - La Vie Boheme from the musical Rent, written by Jonathan Larson Rent is one of the best musicals to ever be brought into existence. It goes without saying that Larson was a genius. But Rent is a bona fide masterpiece. It is fast and furious, fun and heartbreaking. The songs are rocking and danceable. The story is brutally honest and completely inspiring. I have seen several versions of this musical - from the OG Broadway cast to the Rent Live on Broadway that is on Amazon Prime to the 2010 Hollywood Bowl version and love them all. But I adore that Hollywood Bowl version and someday Neil Patrick Harris and I will have a conversation about releasing it to stre...

  It's nothing nobody ever gave me I came from the streets that made me My whole life fighting's what saved me.  I paid my dues, now pay me.  So welcome to the trenches. Will we survive, we the fittest It's do or die, yeah, we live this.  I'm the greatest you will ever witness. This fury started with a spark A fire burning in the dark.  I'll finish this before you start.  You're about to learn what it feels like to swim with sharks. I got this dark side Born with the fight to survive The best of the beast is alive And you already know. - Never Back Down by burnboy, featuring Jonny Craig, 7KingZ, KeepMySecrets, and Chris Dudley I just discovered burnboy's music about 4 months ago and I am so glad that I did. His songs are powerful and manic and fantastic. His YouTube channels describes his music as 'music to punch people to" and that is very accurate. My burnboy playlist on Apple Music is my favorite workout playlist.  The above song is his most rece...

  When the cowards turn to soldiers  To solve all their problems I wonder what I'm supposed to believe.  And the news reporters set the blame  To the people who don't think the same. I wonder what they're trying to achieve. Is anybody listening To the song that I sing? Does anyone even know who I am? If I sing hallelujah right on up to ya Would your angels even give a damn? - Belief as sung by Ben Fankhauser, written by Alexander Sage Oyen on his album Drafts Volume II What a powerful song. Every time I listen to Ben sing it, it bring tears to my eyes. His voice is so full of passion and pain, longing and hope. Watching him sing it on the YouTube video - holy hell - there are no words, just emotions. Alexander's lyrics are absolutely perfect, and are quite fitting for the state of the world, right now.  And my state of mind.  You hear, all the time, about having faith that things will work out. And believing that things happen for a reason. That it is all l...

  'Whether or not you're aware of it or not, you're taking the information you get from watching tv and putting it in your brain." - Stephanie Beatriz, AskMen Interview, March 2014 I have heard - more times than I would have actually thought possible - people say that they don't watch tv. Given reasons range from they don't have time to they have better things to do with their time. And to those people, I say 'Hey that is so great for you.' And I mean that.  But me. Well, I adore television. Since childhood, it has offered a different type of escape than music and books.  With music, it is more like therapy. It makes me think about what is going on in my life and how I should be dealing with it.  With books, it is an escape from my reality, but one that requires concentration and thinking.  With television, I get the benefit of watching the drama play out but not having it become my problem or something I have to fix or physically get involved with. I d...

  There's a moment you know, you're fucked. Not an inch more room to self-destruct No more moves, oh yeah, the dead end zone. Man, you just can't call your soul your own. But the thing that makes you really jump Is that the weirdest shit is still to come. You can ask yourself 'Hey what have I done?' You're just a fly the little guys - they kill for fun. Man, you're fucked if you just freeze up Can't do that thing, that keeping still.  But you're fucked if you speak your mind  And you know, uh huh, you will Yeah, you're fucked alright. And all for spite. You can kiss your sorry ass goodbye. Totally fucked, will they mess you up? Well you know they're gonna try. - Totally Fucked from Spring Awakening: The Musical, as performed by Jonathan Groff, Brian Charles Johnson, Skylar Astin, Jonathan B. Wright, and Gideon Glick. Written by Duncan Sheik & Steven Sater A great song from the fantastic and controversial Spring Awakening. This musical bec...

  Death doesn't discriminate Between the sinners and the saints It takes and it takes and it takes And we keep living anyway.  We rise and we fall and we break And we make our mistakes I am the one thing in life I can control I am inimitable, I am an original. - Wait For It, from the musical Hamilton, as written by Lin-Manuel Miranda and performed by Leslie Odom Jr. Hamilton is such a great musical, truly powerful. Lin-Manuel is a genius. And such a sweet and funny guy. Seriously, I sometimes I wonder if the man is human. Now, I did skip a few lines in the above song. Not because they are not good, because they are. But because these are the lines that speak to me the loudest when I listen to the song. And, let's face it, anyone that knows me knows that I am NOT patient and that I am terrible at waiting for anything.  If the whole state of the world and the mental breakdown mess taught me anything, it has taught me that. And it has taught me that I AM the one thing in lif...

  A hundred million stories and a hundred million songs, I feel stupid when I sing.  Nobody's listening to me. Nobody's listening. I talk to shooting stars, but they always get it wrong. I feel stupid when I pray. So, why am I praying anyway If nobody's listening?  Anyone! Please send me anyone. Lord, is there anyone? I need someone. Oh, anyone, please send me anyone.  Lord, is there anyone? I need someone. - Anyone written by Demi Lovato as sung by Skylar Astin as Max on Season 2 of Zoey's Extraordinary Playlist  I'm not going to lie, I had never heard this song until I heard Skylar sing it on Zoey's. No offense to Demi, she is a great singer. Just not in my usual music wheelhouse. Skylar is, though. After hearing his version, I did go looking for hers. It is beautiful and heart tugging. But it does not hit me as hard as his version does. (There again, that thing we talked about before about how different singers hit us.) Skylar's version ... or should I sa...

Will Truman - Anyway, you came up to me. We didn't know each other that well. And you pulled me aside and you said 'Aren't you tired, yet?' And I was tired. Tired of actually reading playboy for the articles. Tired of keeping my Bette Midler albums in Led Zepplin sleeves. You took me to clubs and introduced me to people. Made me realize what I'd been missing by not being myself. And I am thankful for that.  Jack McFarland - I also taught you how to dance without pointing all the time. Will - And I am thankful for that. Now, here's my secret. I admire you, Jack. You are more yourself than anyone else I have ever known. Jack - Will, look. I appreciate what you are trying to do. But this is different. My mother will fall apart. She's ...  Will - Jack, Jack, Jack. Aren't you tired, yet?  45 years of living in Ohio. The Buckeye State. The Birthplace of Aviation. The Heart of it All. That last one has always made me giggle. You would think that a place that ca...