The Battle of Going from Mental Illness to Mental Health, Unaided

Don't mind me

I'm a fuck up, a manic depressive, a loser, a best friend

You might call it human

So, don't mind me if I let you down

'Cause I promise I always

I'm doing the best that I can

Look around a little and it ain't that bad

I guess it's hard to understand

Life when it hits you in the face with a backhand

I'm doing the best that I can

Over and over getting up when I fall back 

Tell me is this part of the plan? 

Fuck it. Keep my head up. I'm doing the best I

Don't mind me (I'm doing the best I can.) 

- Don't Mind Me by Tyler Posey, released in 2023 on his album Unravel 

This song can apply to many people in many situations. For me, it's the perfect explanation of what it is like being me. I've said it before and I am sure I will say it many more times in my life, most of Tyler's songs are way too relatable for me. It's like he could have written them about my life. The fact that they are all about his own life, and what he has been through, tells me that he and I have lived parallel paths. And while he has said and done things in his past that I don't understand or agree with, I do know that he has worked hard to get his life together and where he wants it to be. The same as I have. And I have chosen to not hold those past mistakes against him. I have a lot of respect for who Tyler is now and I very much enjoy the content and energy that he is putting out into the world. 

And isn't that how it should be? It is not the mistakes or the fallout from those mistakes that should affect our lives forever. It is how we pick ourselves up from them and what we choose to learn. How we choose to move forward. Those are the things that matter and should follow us. 

 I have struggled with Mental Health since I was 12 years old. Over the years, I have been diagnosed with Manic Depression, Severe Anxiety, Paranoia, OCD, PTSD, and then - later - BiPolar when Manic Depression changed its name. During that time, I have been on & off meds and in & out of counseling. 

But for the last 10 years or so, I have been managing my Mental Health without assistance. There are several reasons for this. When I first quit going to counseling, it was because the center I was going to started having a very high turnover rate. I had been seeing the same therapist for a few years, then suddenly he was gone. Over the next three months, I had 3 different therapists. The having to start over and retell my story so many times in so short a span was adding to my anxiety and depression. 

I had also been feeling that my psychiatrist didn't really care about me or what I had to say. I never felt like he was listening to me or cared about what I had been through. I was just a name on a list, a means to an end - his paycheck. So, I decided I was done. I couldn't handle it anymore. So, I stopped going and had to stop taking the meds, also. 

This last was not really a loss. I hated the meds. They made me sluggish and quiet. I was the exact opposite of the outgoing, funny, sarcastic girl that is the core of my human nature. 

The intervening years have been a wild roller coaster ride as I have learned to manage my mental state, unaided. Are there times that I should have been on meds and in counseling? Hell yes! But I lost the medical card after I started working at Old Navy and could not afford to go. 

See, the State of Ohio doesn't care about the people that are out here working their fingers to the bone to try to survive and eek out some sort of living. They don't care that we are barely surviving and making it paycheck to paycheck just by the skin of our teeth. Nope. According to the Ohio Government, I make far too much money to qualify for any kind of assistance. Because I am a single woman with no dependents, I no longer deserve their help. It is up to me to try to figure out how to afford the outrageous prices that Corporate America has decided to charge to live, while NOT being paid a livable wage. 

The real kicker is that, in any other time and any other place, the money I make would be considered good money. In an Alternate Universe, there is another me that is living the good life because that world actually cares about its People. 

But not here, in this time and in this place and in this state and in this country. In this Universe, Ohio and America don't give a damn about its people. They only care about maintaining their wealth and power.

The price of living has gone up, but the pay to keep living has not. But that is a blog for another time. 

Anyway, back on point - I have been asked, numerous times, how I have kept going on my own. I have been told, over and over, how strong I am and how impressed people are with me. And, honestly, I don't know that I deserve that. 

I have achieved what I have on sheer force of will. The will to raise my children, the will to chase my dreams, the will to have the life I have always dreamed of. In short, just a will to live. And I HAD to learn how to do it alone. Because of my history with drugs, self medicating was not an option. Because of my love of being clear headed and focused, becoming an alcoholic was not an option. 

The phrase 'Mind Over Matter' has been a life motto since I first heard it in 1988 when Sheila says it to Deb in Nightmare on Elm Street 4. It has become so important to me that I have it tattooed on the inside of my right wrist. And it is this motto, that I have repeated over and over to myself, especially when things have been very dark and I wasn't sure that I would make it. 

I am in no way saying that everyone can and should try to manage their mental health on their own. Most assuredly not. If you have the means and the access, please get all the help you can. Therapy and meds are very beneficial and I promote them, wholeheartedly. I made the decision to fight my battle alone because it was the only choice I had. 

I had to find the strength and determination to overcome and win. It was either that, or let the darkness win. Had the darkness won, it would have utterly destroyed me. In every way imaginable. 

And I know most people cannot do what I did. Honestly, it's not human nature to be able to save ourselves. We are born with the belief that we cannot take care of ourselves and that we need others to do so. From day one, we are taught to lean on our parents and siblings and grandparents. Then later we transfer that to leaning on friends and romantic partners. Nowhere in life are we suppose to be prepared to make a go of life alone. 

Until we have too. I have been taking care of myself for a very long time. Longer than I care to think about. Only in the last couple years did I find a small group of people that truly love me and are willing to be there for me. 

In my life, most people that have come into it have wanted something from me. Either they wanted to control and abuse me or they just wanted me to be there to listen to their lives and their stories and their problems. Never asking how I am or how my day was or what is new in my life. 

But this little group is different. I listen to them and am there for them. BUT they do the exact same thing for me. And that is still new to me. I still struggle with letting them in, sometimes. And with believing that they could truly care about me and my life. But I am doing better with it.

I am not saying that I am stronger than other people. Nor am I saying that I am better than anyone. As you can see, even though I do it without counseling and meds, even I don't do it alone. Not anymore. 

What I have achieved on my own was out of pure necessity. And I am glad that I did. It helped make me who I am, today. I am mentally healthier and happier than I have ever been. And that has all combined to set me on this path that I am now on. 

The path to finally going after that life that I have always wanted. 

So for those of you who are having to choose to make a go of battling your mental illness, unaided - I hope you can find strength and hope from my story. And know that you are not alone. I am just a quick message away.