Staying Clean - A 29 Year Struggle and Balancing Act

 I miss my habits, I'm such an addict

Since I got sober

I thought I'd be done with this by now

Just wake me when it's over

I don't wanna live through this comedown

Stay the fuck away, there's not much more that I can take

Since I got sober

I thought I'd be over you by now

Late nights, coffee and panic attacks

I guess I don't wanna go back

It's better than you checking on my

Making sure I'm not dead by morning

I'll keep coming back 

Coming back, coming back

I wish you'd stop coming back

- Sober performed by Tyler Posey from his 2021 EP Drugs, written by Tyler Posey, Phem, and John Feldmann

Guys, I knew that Tyler could act. He has done several movies and starred as Scott McCall in the 6 season run of MTV's Teen Wolf. But I had no idea he could sing or play guitar. Since discovering his music - when he announced the release of his song 'Lemon' on his Instagram - I have become obsessed. 

His songs are so powerful and so relatable. They are full of dealing with the pain of the past and trying to move on and heal. It is clear that Tyler knows exactly what he is saying because the emotion in his voice is so real. Tyler is clearly not just writing songs for the sake of writing. He is writing about what he knows, where he has been, what he has experienced. 

The above song hits close to home, for me. As someone that has been clean since 1994, I get it. Way more than I would like to admit that I do. 

Something I have not talked much about, is my years of drug addiction. I don't think most people even know I have that issue. Not that I have deliberately kept it a secret. I have talked about it here and there. I don't think anyone knows the extent to which I used or how much control drugs actually had over me. 

Alcohol is something I have had issues with, on and off, through out the years. But it is something that I have learned to control. 

Like wine. I love wine. But I only drink on Friday and Saturday nights. Most of the time, I only allow myself 2 glasses a night. It's not hard, though. Wine is a drink that is meant to be sipped and savored and drank slowly. 

Drugs are my true Achilles heal. I am not talking the easy drugs like pills or even marijuana. I am talking the hard stuff, the fun stuff. Maybe that is not the best way to describe it, but there is no denying that the drugs I did were fun. I am all about being completely honest in this blog, otherwise what's the point. 

For over 3 years, I was part of that world. 

You hear, over and over, that marijuana is not a gateway drug. Some people don't even consider it a drug at all. But I am living proof that they are all mistaken. I started with pot. It was introduced to me when I was 13 years old. 

It didn't take long before the quiet numbness that pot brings was not enough for me. I needed a better high, a higher high. I just happen to have the friends that could provide exactly what I was looking for. 

Before I was 14 years old, I spun into doing Ecstasy, LSD (aka Acid), Heroin, and Cocaine. A lot of times I was smoking stuff that I wasn't even sure what it was. Mixing drugs was just something we did. And I never asked what was in it. I honestly didn't care what I was smoking or snorting. I just cared that it got me high and took me away from the hell that was my young life. It was given to me and I took it. As long as it didn't come in a needle, I did it. 

Acid was my favorite, though. It was a quick high. I figured out, pretty quick, that if I dropped it between my lower eyelid and my eyeball, the high was that much quicker and more powerful. To this day, I can remember the heaven that was Acid. I miss the colorful entertainment, the pseudo-happiness, and the literal trip that it brought me. 

Though it has been 29 years since my last high - to the day (February 11, 1994) - not a day goes by that I don't miss it and struggle with the urge to go back. Every day, the voice of that 14 year old lost and broken soul whispers reminders of the relief, escape, and peace that those days gave me. A true escape - better than any paradise. 

The more stressful my life gets, the higher my anxiety and paranoia, the stronger the urge gets to go back. Nothing has ever helped me escape the jail cell that is my mental health like drugs. 

Believe it or not, it was the abusive ex-husband that rescued me from that world. Of course, when we first met, I had no idea who he really was. In that winter of 1994, he was just this good looking guy who seemed to really care about me. 

There are many things that I can hate Steve for, but I will always give him credit for saving my life. Had he not entered it when he did, I, no doubt, would have spiraled further into the drug world and - most likely - died there. 

Over the years, since they were born, it has been my children that kept me from falling back into that world. I knew that I had to keep a clear head, stay grounded in this reality, so that I could raise my sons into men and teach them the lessons they would need to get through this life. I did not want them to ever think that drugs were the answer. 

As much as that world seemed to be my paradise, rationally, I know that is not true. I know that I was on a dangerous path. I know that I would have died there, had I remained. These are the things I tell myself now, when the urge to go back becomes strong. 

There have been a few times, in the last couple years, that I did smoke pot. It terrified me each time. Because the high just reminded me of how much better the high could be. I have said, many times, the last several months about not being interested in pot because I enjoy being clear headed. That is not a lie, but it is not the whole truth, either. The whole truth is that I know smoking on any kind of regular basis will lead me right back to the hard stuff. 

Though the desire is always a part of me, there have been points in my life where it has been worse than others. The last two years have been particularly bad. There have been times where I was so low and so desperate for escape that I had a message open and even typed it out. It was only by sheer will that I did not send it. 

What kept me from sending it on those occasions? I really couldn't say. My children are grown, wonderful men. And I am single, so it's not like I am staying grounded for anyone else. 

I can speak to what keeps me from going back, now. There are two things that I remind myself of when the desire gets too strong. 

First are the plans I have for my future. If I want to be a writer and work with the best in the business, I have to stay clear and focused. I have to stay on my A game, or I can say goodbye to that future. 

Second is that I know that if I even dip my toe back into that world, I will become a part of it, again. 

People who have never struggled with addiction of any kind don't understand that this is a daily battle. And it will be for the rest of my life. I have been asked why, after all these years, do I still consider myself an addict. It's because the need, the urge, the desire is always inside of me - calling out, begging, taunting. It can be a lonely and solitary battle.

But I am determined and stubborn. 

I will continue to battle the desire and do my best to win, every day. I may not have a support system of people, but I do have music. And, thanks to Tyler and his music, I have one ally who knows and understands my battle. 

I don't know Tyler, personally. But in this battle, we are comrades. Someday, I hope to have the opportunity to thank him for his music and words and the strength they give me. 

Originally posted February 11, 2023

UPDATE - This past February, I hit my 30 year anniversary of being clean. Every day is still a battle. But the urges and desires are more a slow simmer, these days. The thought of getting high still enters my mind atleast once a day. But most days, it's easier to push away.