2025 is off to a roaring start...

 "What's the point?"

I'll be honest, I have asked myself this question too many times in this last week. 

I know some of you are thinking that this is a ridiculous and very dramatic way to react to my car giving out on me. But this was just one more block of the many that have been thrown in my path since September. And when you have too many types of anxiety - including paranoia, PTSD, and panic disorder - sometimes being rational is just beyond comprehension. 

Full disclosure? I feel like things have been one thing after another since April 11, 2023. And I have wondered, many times, if I am being punished for my failure on that day. It's possible I have not dealt with that day as well as I thought. Or at all...

And, just when it seems that things are finally going to go my way, something new happens. Yes, I know that most people feel like this at some point in their lives. But for me, with my disorders and history, these feelings can manifest into feelings of failure, worthlessness, and - eventually - like I don't deserve to be here. 

Starting last Wednesday, I spent most of my wakening hours trying to tell myself that this is not that bad and that there are worse things going on in the world. But the anxiety and stress of wondering what I am going to do, and how I am going to get a new car, just kept eating at me. I wasted all of last weekend making myself sick while all these thoughts and accusations banged around in my head, over and over. 

Honestly, the only thing that kept me from staying clean and walking this earth was the thought of my Jordan having to be the one to find me. I have traumatized that kid too much in this life. I wasn't about to add that to it. If he didn't live with me, though, last weekend would have had a very different ending. 

But, thankfully, he does and I survived the weekend. 

Monday morning I woke with the realization that I had come too close to disaster, too close to throwing away everything I have worked so hard for these last few years, and I would be throwing away all the opportunities that are opening up to me. It was these thoughts that snapped me out of it and made me realize, that no matter what the verdict on the car was, it wasn't worth that. 

I know that the minute my small group of friends read this, they are going to be angry that I did not reach out to them. I won't blame them for being upset with me. They have every right. 

But at the same time...

I know that if I had reached out, they would have been there for me. They would have tried everything they know to try to help me through what I was going through. And I love them for that. 

But the reality is that there wasn't much that they could have done or said. My friends are the most wonderful, amazing, loving, smartass people in the world. I know how blessed I am to have them. But they're not rich people with money just lying around to offer their dumbass friend who should have handled her life better. 

They don't have extra cars just sitting around to offer up to be borrowed or rented. 

And, as magic as I know they are, they do not have magic wands that they could wave around to make things better for me. Or conjure up the answer out of thin air. 

But I know that every single one of them would have said that they wished they could have done one or more of those things. I know that they would have told me that they really wished they had the answers for me. And I was not about to put that on them. 

It's not their fault that I am where I am. That blame lies solely with me and the less than brilliant decisions that I made with my life when I was younger. And maybe even two of my exes who were controlling and reckless and made it impossible for me to say no to, at the time. 

So it is up to me to figure it out. Because the call did come, earlier this week, and the car is done. It is too far gone to be worth fixing. The mechanic himself told me that he would not spend the money it would cost to fix it. And there is a relief in having that answer. That has taken some of the anxiety off. 

I have been looking into some options and researching some ideas that I have had. In the meantime, I am driving my Jordan's car, but I don't want to keep doing that for long. He needs his car and I don't want to keep putting miles on it. 

And, though I am still stressed out, I do believe that the answer is out there. I just have to find it. And maybe, just maybe, getting a new car is the first step into this new life that 2025 is bringing me. 

Because I do still believe that 2025 is the Year That Everything Changes.