Totally F*cked ... With My Honesty, It Does Happen

 There's a moment you know, you're fucked.

Not an inch more room to self-destruct

No more moves, oh yeah, the dead end zone.

Man, you just can't call your soul your own.

But the thing that makes you really jump

Is that the weirdest shit is still to come.

You can ask yourself 'Hey what have I done?'

You're just a fly the little guys - they kill for fun.

Man, you're fucked if you just freeze up

Can't do that thing, that keeping still. 

But you're fucked if you speak your mind

 And you know, uh huh, you will

Yeah, you're fucked alright. And all for spite.

You can kiss your sorry ass goodbye.

Totally fucked, will they mess you up?

Well you know they're gonna try.

- Totally Fucked from Spring Awakening: The Musical, as performed by Jonathan Groff, Brian Charles Johnson, Skylar Astin, Jonathan B. Wright, and Gideon Glick. Written by Duncan Sheik & Steven Sater

A great song from the fantastic and controversial Spring Awakening. This musical became a favorite almost immediately upon my discovery of it. If you listen to the original Broadway cast recording, you would understand. And if you had the lucky pleasure of actually seeing the OBC live, you would DEFINITELY understand. Obviously, this being where Skylar got his start helps it win its place in my heart. But it goes way beyond him. This song - a song that could be a theme song for me - is just one of the many reasons. 

I have always been that girl that speaks her mind. I have never been one to keep still or freeze up. Odds are, if it goes through my mind, it is coming out of my mouth. As you can imagine, this has caused me my own fair share of controversies throughout my life. Apparently, I enjoy controversy in my musicals and in my life. 

My ex husband used to tell me that I was 'too honest' whatever that means. I don't think he really knew, either. But he did use that as one of the reasons for why he was hitting me. He loved to tell me that my mouth was the reason he was screaming at me and hitting me or chasing me down the street in his car while I tried to get away. 

And I believed him. I also believed him when he told me that my honesty was the reason he cheated on me. 

My next two relationships were not much better. Though, I can say that the second one was not physically abusive. For the longest time, I did believe that my honesty was the reason why I kept ending up in relationships with abusive narcissist's. I mean, I know I suck at math, but it all did seem to add up. 

You would think that I would learn to stop being so honest. But that is just one personality trait I cannot quite let go of. I can't see the point of hiding what I really think or lying about how I feel. And may the gods help you if you ask for my opinion. You better really want it, because that is exactly what you are going to get. 

Of course, this does not apply to every situation. If I am being honest (see what I did there...) I have been hiding my feelings for a certain someone for over two years. Something only one other person knows about. And I am doing that for his protection. Lord knows that the poor guy does not need to know that some messed up, broken girl may have feelings that are stronger than they should be. 

See, I can keep quiet if it is to save someone's soul ... 

But, I digress.

Getting back to the controversies where I found myself totally f*cked, thanks to my honesty ... 

There was the time in 8th grade when I was suspended because I cussed out and punched Mr. M in the shoulder. 

Now wait, before you judge, let me explain.

Mr. M was very creepy. And a jerk. On this particular morning, he was dead set on embarrassing a friend of mine. Of course, me being the dedicated and outspoken friend that I am, informed Mr. M that he was being inappropriate. Naturally, Mr. M did not take that well and told me that I was out of line (no kidding, dude - tell me something I didn't already know). I stood up and informed him that standing up for my friend was my responsibility. He told me to sit down and when I refused, he tried to push me down into my seat. He only succeeded in sending me flying into the desk behind me. My natural instinct was to punch him. I was going for his jaw, but as I am only 5'3" (I stopped growing in the 8th grade) and he was close to 6', my little fist only managed to land on his shoulder. His face turned beat red as he shouted for me to go to the principal's office.

There there was the time I was 14 or 15, when I told a girl that was a few years older than me (and much taller) that she was calling me names because she was jealous that her boyfriend liked me better than her. That got me punched in the mouth. I, in turn, spit the blood into her face and told her to get over herself. To this day, I am still surprised that she let me live after that. I can only guess that she was completely shocked by my boldness and honesty. 

Then there was the time, still around 14 or 15, when I got mouthy with a girl who was threatening my older sister. That one got me a punch (and a hairline fracture) in the nose. Thankfully, she and I patched things up and remain friends to this day. 

That is probably enough examples of my 'totally f'ed' childhood moments (yes, you can laugh here). 

The lessons we can take from the above stories are, #1 - I clearly had some serious anger issues as a teenager. #2 - I am the best and most dedicated friend that you could ever hope to have. #3 - Do you really want to have me as an enemy?

While I am still very honest and outspoken, it no longer results in physical violence. One good thing to come from being in multiple, abusive relationships - you learn that violence only makes things worse. Now, I only fight with my words. And when you combine my penchant for honesty with my wicked ability at sarcasm - well, I am very good at winning. 

On the subject of weird sh*t - well that phrase is the perfect sum of my life. As much weird stuff as I have seen and said and done, I find the thought that the weirdest is still to come highly amusing. And not wrong. I know, with the plans I am making for my future - that there is definitely some very weird stuff on the horizon - both good & bad. Whatever comes, I will meet it the exact same that that the cast did when they performed this song - by jumping around with all the enthusiasm and energy that I have. And showing my middle fingers to anyone and anything that tries to keep me down or hold me back.

And I am looking forward to every single second of it. 

Originally posted on October 30, 2022

UPDATE - This blog is still very accurate. I am still brutally honest. I still manage to say what I need to say without resorting to physical violence. And I have begun to use my writing as a way to express and vent things out. And I plan to continue to do exactly that with my writing as I speed ever closer to my future. As for that crush, it has safely passed. And while I no longer think that I would be a detriment to anyone that would be interested in dating me - this particular guy is just too different from me. Our beliefs, our ideologies, and our moralities are on the opposite ends of the spectrum. The exact opposite of what I want in a partner. So, I move into my future free from all of that.