I Am Beautiful Chaos

 I have been quite fascinated with the topic of love and falling in love, the last couple months. Back in December, I wrote about realizing that I have never truly been in love. That realization has been on my mind a lot since occurring to me. 

I was talking to a friend, today, about relationships and love and being independent. He had some very interesting insights on being independent and commented that he felt that a person could become too independent. And no, this wasn't a guy being a typical guy and trying to say that women need men. He was adamant that men are just as guilty of being too independent and thinking that they don't need a woman. 

He was also quick to clarify that there was nothing wrong with being independent, but he believes that we all need someone in our lives to be there for us, to offer support, and all of that. I'm paraphrasing and summing up, here. And I agree with him 100%. I have to say, it was very fascinating to hear the views of this topic, from a guy. Ladies, sometimes we are way to hard on men. 

But as we talked and I gave him some insight into why I was independent, he was able to acknowledge that my reasons were very different from many. I appreciated that acknowledgement. As we continued the conversation, I was able to admit to him that I do want to fall in love. I do want to know what it is like to actually matter to someone, to be wanted and appreciated, to feel cherished and important - but that I didn't think that I would ever get that opportunity. 

He was quick to disagree. I'm not sure what it is about me that makes him think I am wrong, he was not really able to give an answer. But his belief in my character means a lot to me. And I realize that I really want him to be right. 

And no, I have not changed my stance on being single. I think being single is very important, especially when you are going through a period where you are trying to figure out who you are and what you want out of life. And being single has worked well for me because I know that I have a bad habit of dating the wrong type of person. 

But I have also talked about believing that a part of me knew - from the beginning of those relationships - that they were not good. I stayed in them because I believed that I did not deserve any better. I believed that I was unworthy and useless and unlovable - because that is what I have always been told. With that kind of belief in yourself, it is not a big leap to believe that no self respecting person would want to be with you. 

And there in lies the truth of me. 

But I no longer believe those awful things about myself. The work I have done on myself the last few years has helped me learn that I deserve much more than I ever believed and much more than I was ever told. 

I know I have a lot to offer someone. I am not beautiful, but I'm not ugly. I'm decent enough in the looks department. More important, I am sweet and funny and adventurous. I am sarcastic and sassy and romantic. I love to dance and sing and laugh. I love to cuddle and comfort. I'm weird - in a good way. 

And, yes, I am also damaged and dark. You can't go through all that I have without coming out the other side with that happening. But those things do not define who I am. They just add to who I am. 

Hopefully, someday, I will find that person who can accept all of the good and bad and be able to love the beautifully chaotic person it has made me.