Trauma, PTSD, and Remembering Faith

 When the cowards turn to soldiers 

To solve all their problems

I wonder what I'm supposed to believe. 

And the news reporters set the blame 

To the people who don't think the same.

I wonder what they're trying to achieve.

Is anybody listening

To the song that I sing?

Does anyone even know who I am?

If I sing hallelujah right on up to ya

Would your angels even give a damn?

- Belief as sung by Ben Fankhauser, written by Alexander Sage Oyen on his album Drafts Volume II

What a powerful song. Every time I listen to Ben sing it, it bring tears to my eyes. His voice is so full of passion and pain, longing and hope. Watching him sing it on the YouTube video - holy hell - there are no words, just emotions. Alexander's lyrics are absolutely perfect, and are quite fitting for the state of the world, right now. 

And my state of mind. 

You hear, all the time, about having faith that things will work out. And believing that things happen for a reason. That it is all leading somewhere. Even I have said those things. And I am able to do all of that, sometimes. I mean, I have the power of faith and belief. I know that things work out. I know that there is a higher power.

But there are those days where I just cannot shake the anxiety. I can't stop thinking that the worst will happen. I can't banish the sick feeling in my stomach or stop the racing thoughts, or curb the images of the worst case scenario. It's maddening. You know it's bad when you get anxiety about having anxiety. 

I know one of the reasons that I have trouble having faith in anything, there have been too many times that I have and was let down. Often, in the most heartbreaking ways. Those let downs left me with such trauma that I ended up with severe PTSD.

Before I was diagnosed, I really thought PTSD was something that only soldiers got. It never dawned on me that the nightmares that jolt me awake in a cold sweat, the body-freezing, mind-numbing, heart-stopping flashbacks, the inexplicable fear of going certain places or being involved in certain situations or doing certain things or seeing certain people that leave me almost unable to function, were considered Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. 

What's really funny is - when I received the diagnosis - I actually said 'But I've never been in a war.' The counselor that diagnosed me looked at me like I had lost my mind. This woman looked me dead in the eye and said 'Megan, most of your life has been a war. Honestly, I'm surprised you're still standing." And when I say that hit me hard, I am not exaggerating. It was dead on accurate. 

That realization has helped shape who I have become in the last two years. Here's one of the key things I have learned about PTSD. It really does affect EVERY aspect of one's life. Because of the wounds and scars that psychological (and physical) trauma leaves on our psyches, that is what we remember far better than the times when things actually go well and work out. Our psyche - our soul - is built to guide and protect us. When we are so damaged, that instinct to protect becomes the # 1 priority of everything inside of us. 

Now, for the lucky ones, that protection results in a thicker skin. A stronger disposition to deal with life and everything that it throws at them. 

But for those of us with an already fractured mind - well we are not that lucky. We get PTSD. And let me tell you, it sucks when you are in the middle of talking to someone or reading or driving or any other normal activity and - out of nowhere - an image flashes through your mind that instantly sends your psyche in to panic and protect mode. Honestly, it is enough to bring one to their knees. 

For us, when life starts throwing lemons, our instinct is to run for cover - not make lemonade. The initial reaction is to crawl into the eye of the storm that is our mental illness and hide there until our psyche says it's safe to come out. 

For me, winter makes it even worse. I don't hate winter. I don't hate the cold. I don't even hate the snow. What I hate, what fills my mind with freezing panic, is having to drive in the snow. I now know that this is due to the trauma of the 3 or 4 times that I have driven in snow and ended up in a ditch. 

To most people, I know that doesn't sound like a big deal. I can hear you thinking 'yeah, that sucks, but you're fine.' And that is true. None of those times, was there any significant damage to the car and no injuries to the people inside the car. 

But my mind is not wired to think like that. Instead of being able to be grateful for how minor they were - my mind immediately goes to 'but next time we might not be so lucky' and then proceeds to conjure up all the ways that could be true. It's a nightmare - and there are too many times when I want to jab a cooking fork in my brain to make it stop. I don't, of course, but that tells you how bad it gets. 

One of the few things I have found that helps to calm me is music. Ah yes, my knight in shining armour, my hero - Music. You knew it was coming into the conversation, eventually. Listen, whoever said that music soothes the soul was exactly right. It truly does soothe my soul. It helps me find peace, it grounds me when I feel myself start to slide into full blown paranoia. 

And since adding the singing and dancing to the party, I have found a whole new level of calm and peace and confidence. 

Throughout a life of being abused and gaslit and brainwashed and beat down and used, I have tried to rally. I often get told, by those that know even a bit of what I have been through, how impressed they are with how strong I am. How amazed they are that I have managed to survive all that I have. And while I greatly appreciate the sentiment, most of the time I don't feel strong or even like a survivor. 

When I think of how badly I struggle, internally, sometimes - I know that I am weak. There are some days - too many - where I feel like I am hanging on by a very thin thread. There are a few things that keep me going, that stop me from throwing in the towel, completely, and sinking into the gift of eternal release - be it the forgetful bliss of being high or the permanent bliss of leaving this life. 

Number 1 is my children. My boys have always been my lifeline - my lightning rods (to borrow a term from The Flash). They are such amazing young men and I am so proud of what they have overcome and what they have learned and what they have chosen to be and do with their lives. 

I have often told people that - if there is one child that had the right to rebel and be full of anger and confusion, it is my oldest son. But he chose a different path. And if he can do that, then I can too. When I say that he is my hero, I mean that from the bottom of my heart. 

And my youngest son has taught me so much, as well. While he has had an easier life than his older brother in many ways, he has had his own struggles to overcome. But he does so with grace and humor. 

I call them both my sunshine's, because they are truly rays of sunshine in my life. 

Number 2 is music. We all know what power music has over me.

Number 3 is the phrase 'Mind Over Matter.' I first heard it in 1988 in the movie A Nightmare on Elm Street 4" The Dream Master. Sheila says it to Deb and tells her it is her motto. That motto resonated with me so much that, right there and then, I adopted it as my own. Over the last 34 years, I have repeated it to myself, often. Especially when things are dark. It has become such a mantra for me that I got it tattooed on my wrist 2 years ago, in July of 2020. Which was amazing timing, considering the turn my life took just 5 months later. 

Here's the thing. I don't want to be this person. I don't want to be that girl that wastes time and life being afraid and anxious and worrying. I want to be the girl I used to be. 

Because I did not use to be this person. I used to be someone that did not let fear and anxiety control her. I used to be able to see the signs from the universe and accept and follow them. I used to be able to allow the Great Spirit to run their plans without question or fear. 

I need to figure out how to allow the Mind Over Matter to be in control, again. I need to remember to always be listening to music. I need to stay focused on the bravery of my children. 

Only then can I retain the carefree, having faith in the Greater Good side of me. Of life. And allow her to regain control more often than she does now. Only then can I keep the darkness within at bay. 

And that is a conversation for the next blog. 

Originally posted on December 21, 2022

UPDATE - A year and a half later, and I am doing much better. The anxiety, paranoia, and PTSD are better in control. The journey of self discovery I have been on has led to a path of healing from all these past traumas - something I had been denying myself. It is really remarkable the difference that healing makes. Healing the mind and the soul and the psyche is so empowering. Music is still my therapy, my knight in shining armour, my hero. I am doing better at living by the Mind Over Matter motto, again. And I am making progress at getting back that girl who refuses to live her life in fear and paranoia.