Loneliness - An Every Day Struggle in Mental Health

 A hundred million stories and a hundred million songs,

I feel stupid when I sing. 

Nobody's listening to me. Nobody's listening.

I talk to shooting stars, but they always get it wrong.

I feel stupid when I pray. So, why am I praying anyway

If nobody's listening? 

Anyone! Please send me anyone.

Lord, is there anyone? I need someone.

Oh, anyone, please send me anyone. 

Lord, is there anyone? I need someone.

- Anyone written by Demi Lovato as sung by Skylar Astin as Max on Season 2 of Zoey's Extraordinary Playlist 

I'm not going to lie, I had never heard this song until I heard Skylar sing it on Zoey's. No offense to Demi, she is a great singer. Just not in my usual music wheelhouse. Skylar is, though. After hearing his version, I did go looking for hers. It is beautiful and heart tugging. But it does not hit me as hard as his version does. (There again, that thing we talked about before about how different singers hit us.) Skylar's version ... or should I say Max' version ... punches right through my heart. The way his voice breaks as he pleads for someone, anyone (Zoey) to see him, to hear him, rips at my soul. 

He sings this exactly the way my soul does every time I hear it and think of how I wish there was someone that would hear me and see me. Seriously, his version could be the soundtrack to my heart and soul. He nails it. 

One of the worst things about struggling with mental health is the feeling of utter loneliness that it brings. Too often, I feel like no one really cares about what is going on inside of me. 

I know that everyone has their own stuff that they are struggling with. I get that. And I always try to make myself available to those in my life whenever they need someone to talk to. 

And, yes, people tell me that they are here for me and that I can talk to them. But, as someone with a Paranoia disorder, it is a master at taunting me. Too many times, she has convinced me that no one wants me around. That no one really cares and that no one really likes me. 

I didn't go to the wedding of two people that I care a great deal for, because I was convinced that I wasn't really wanted there. That I was only invited because I had been friends with people that they actually liked. 

And the guy that I had been interested in for a couple of years, well I didn't even make eye contact with him the last time I saw him because I was sure he would be so disgusted if he knew how I felt about him. 

The paranoia is always whispering things like this in my ear. I used to be really good at ignoring her and locking her in a little padded room in my mind. But, in the last couple of years, she has gotten stronger. 

I do spend a lot of time talking to the sky and the moon and the stars. There is a peace in being outside under the night sky and talking to the sky. Looking up at all the open space, with the lights twinkling down at me - well, some days it's easy to feel less alone. Other days, that space seems so vast and empty - those are the days that the stars are definitely getting it wrong. 

I know this is caused by both my distant and not so distant past. What I have been through, what I allowed so-called friends to do to me - I actually had someone tell me that it was a miracle I wanted to ever have friends, again. 

But I do miss having friends. I miss having someone to talk to and laugh with and go to dinner with or go out and have a few drinks with. I miss having someone to confide in. And I miss just having fun. 

The last couple weekends of going out reminded just how much I love it. It reminded me how much fun I can be. Yeah, I know that sounds conceited, but I am so much fun to hang out with. Don't doubt it until you've tried it. 

Sometimes, I get so angry at myself - and everything that is broken inside of me. That fear of not being enough infects my desire to make my dreams come true. 

As much progress as I am making on the writing, there are too many days when that stupid voice whispers that I am no good and will never make it out of this little town. Much less be a success in any way. 

Too many days, I sit and stare at my notebooks or my laptop - all these ideas swirling in my head - but paralyzed, unable to write a single word. Same with this blog. I have all these ideas of things that I want to write about. I even have notes on different subjects to tackle, different songs to use as quotes - but I just could not shake that paralyzing fear that I am just terrible at all of this. 

Our mental health is so delicate and fragile. Taking care of our mental health should be just as important and encouraged as taking care of our physical health. If we did, there would be so much less crime and hate and pain in this world. Instead, we are looked down on if we talk about mental health and mental illness. We are considered weak and less worthy if we admit to mental struggles. And that is so unfair. 

I was diagnosed with Manic Depression, Anxiety Disorder, and OCD when I was 12 years old. I spent years in and out of counseling (and in and out of trouble) and on and off meds. And hiding my diagnosis from everyone. No wonder I was such a messed up teenager - hiding my sexuality and my mental illness. It's no shock that I ended up on drugs and doing the stuff I did. What is a shock is that I survived my teen years ... but that's a story for another day. 

At 32 years old, I got an updated diagnosis of BiPolar Disorder, Severe Anxiety, OCD - and the new additions of Paranoia Disorder and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Again, I spent several years in therapy and on meds. I did not hide it this time, though. And I received a lot of judgment and whispers behind my back. 

In 2015, I took myself off meds and left therapy. The last year I was there, I had been passed through 3 different therapists - as they were struggling to keep staff. And my psychiatrist had gotten to the point where he was not listening to me, anymore. So I left. 

For the last 7 years, I have managed my conditions on my own and unaided, mostly. I have self-medicated with smoking and over eating and making some really dumb decisions. But, for the most part, I had it all under control. Then, as you all know, I went through a heart breaking betrayal a couple of years ago that broke me. It has been an up and down struggle to regain that control. 

Every day is a struggle, but I keep trying. And when those voices get in my head, I fight to lock them back up. I don't win every day. But I don't lose every day, either. And I am better than I was 2 years ago. 

I know that this will be the case for the rest of my life, no matter where I go. But I also know that getting away from here will help. 

And I will continue to celebrate the good days. 

Originally posted October 12, 2022

UPDATE - It's been a long, hard road - but I am so much better than I was at the original posting of this blog. Since 2022, I have done a lot of work on myself. I have learned to let go of things and I have finally allowed myself to start healing from all the past trauma. I am still a work in progress. There are still bad days. But I am much more positive about life. I have a wonderful group of friends that are more like family. I have my writing. I have my music. And I have a wonderful future that lies ahead of me. A wonderful journey awaits me and I am so excited.