Taking Control of the Darkness Inside

 It's nothing nobody ever gave me

I came from the streets that made me

My whole life fighting's what saved me. 

I paid my dues, now pay me. 

So welcome to the trenches.

Will we survive, we the fittest

It's do or die, yeah, we live this. 

I'm the greatest you will ever witness.

This fury started with a spark

A fire burning in the dark. 

I'll finish this before you start. 

You're about to learn what it feels like to swim with sharks.

I got this dark side

Born with the fight to survive

The best of the beast is alive

And you already know.

- Never Back Down by burnboy, featuring Jonny Craig, 7KingZ, KeepMySecrets, and Chris Dudley

I just discovered burnboy's music about 4 months ago and I am so glad that I did. His songs are powerful and manic and fantastic. His YouTube channels describes his music as 'music to punch people to" and that is very accurate. My burnboy playlist on Apple Music is my favorite workout playlist. 

The above song is his most recent and was featured on UFC 280 Countdown. The minute I first saw the video YouTube, it became my favorite song. Taking the place of "Something in the Air', the song that first brought me to his music. If you're a UFC fan and have ever watched the 'Countdown to' shows, you have heard his music as it has been featured on several of them. To anyone that likes UFC or just has good taste in music, go look up his music. 

Since I was 9 years old, I have struggled with the worst side of me. There were too many years that it was in control. There were too many years that I was losing every battle in the war that goes on inside of me. The fight to survive was not always as strong as the desire to just fade away into the pain and anger. 

Not caring about myself, not caring what happened to me, being too angry and numb about what I have been through - well, it left me open to some very bad people. It allowed those people to worm their way in and exploit my secret desire to be loved and accepted. They were able to take advantage of the fact that I really had no idea who I truly was. 

This is not a pity party. As much as those 'friends' and 'relationships' took advantage of me and abused me, I am just as at fault. I allowed myself to get caught in those situations because I ignored all the red flags. It was all part of the not caring about myself thing. I think I was looking to be punished. 

The fact that I am still standing, still functioning in society, says so much. Being a survivor of my own war, surviving my own hell, is quite an achievement. Things are not perfect, but they are getting better.

In the last two years, I have finally started to learn who I really am, what I need in my life, what inspires me, and what to do with that inspiration. I am seeing my past, present, and future with a clearer eye than I ever have. More importantly, I have found a confidence and a love for myself that I have never had. Not only do I have dreams for my future, I have the determination and plans to make them a reality. 

In a previous blog, I wrote about having faith and believing that things will work out. I wrote about being able to see the signs of the universe and following the plans of The Great Spirit. And I wrote about how I had lost that ability. 

For many years, I could not see what the universe wanted to show me. Or if I did see it, I was too scared or too stubborn to listen and follow. In my numbness, anxiety, and beaten down state - it was easier to believe that I was doomed and the universe didn't care about what happened to me. 

The hardest part of that, for me, is that I always had a special connection with nature and the universe. Losing it, or the biggest part of it, was such a blow. Bits of it remained in my love and obsession for the moon and stars and sunsets. But the complete connection was lost - buried under all the scars and trauma, along with my hopes and dreams and love for myself. 

However, in the last month or so - my inner eye, sixth sense, higher consciousness, whatever you want to call it - has been regaining strength. I have been seeing the way, again. My intuition has been far more accurate than it has in years. There are still times when I let fear and anxiety blind me and leave me floundering, but I am able to pull myself out of it. 

I've said it before - I know there is a higher power, an ethereal force out there that guides me and points me toward the directions I need to go. My inner self has reopened itself to that force and is letting it back in. 

Something else that has been going through my mind, as I reflect back on all these lost years - as I ask myself and the universe why I allowed myself to get so lost - is if there is such a thing as fear of success. We hear all the time about the fear of failure. But no one ever talks about the fear of success. I don't know if that is something that is common of if other people have ever experienced. 

I have Googled it (good god, did I really just type that?). And most of what comes up are articles that are quick to say that most people are not afraid of success, itself. They are afraid of the consequences. I have given that some thought. 

Here's the thing, I am not afraid of the consequences. I am not afraid of losing myself. I have already been down that road and learned from it. I am not afraid of being in the spotlight or of gaining new responsibilities. I am good at both of those things. 

I am not worried about leaving people behind. The few friends I have, well we pretty much already do all of our communication by messages and Facebook posts. That won't change, no matter where I go. And both of my sons are now moving into adulthood and building their own lives.

I am not afraid of becoming cocky, because I kind of already am. I know I am a good writer and singer. I know I am creative and funny and fun to be around. And, as I get myself into shape, I am reminded that I am a pretty attractive woman, as well. As my friend Robert loved to say when we were in high school "I'm not conceited, I'm convinced."

I truly believe that I was just terrified of success. Having it confirmed that I am actually good enough at the things I love to make a living with them would be like spitting in the face of every single person that told me that I was worthless and not good enough. And while that should be motivation, it also means that I was foolish enough to listen and let them in my head. I let them take that power from me. Which I also already know. 

Of course, as I take back my power and control over my mind and soul and life, that fear has begun to fade. I am still curious about it, though. 

It is a relief to discover that the universe is still there for me. It is truly a rush to feel the way I am feeling about myself. I almost don't know what to do with it all and it does make me impatient to get out there and make these dreams happen. 

But I know that the work I am doing now, to build up the environment I need to make those dreams successful is the right thing to do. I am so very excited. Though, I am still dealing with loneliness and not really having people to share all this with, I know it will not always be that way. My people are out there and waiting for me. 

I used to think of the fear and numbness as my dark side. But with this song, burnboy gave me a new perspective. Looking at my will to survive, my ability to fight back, to stay standing, and keep winning the battles that the war of my mind wages on me - looking at my dark side has helped me take back my power and my sanity. 

I know that there are great things ahead for me. I know where I am heading. I know what my future holds. While I cannot wait to get started, I will continue to have patience as I put the foundations into place. And I will continue to strive to be the best of the beast inside of me.

Originally posted on December 28, 2022

UPDATE - I really have come a long way since posting this. I am still working on chasing that future - updating and reposting these blogs being a part of that. I get closer and closer every day. Which is good because moving day is rapidly approaching, also. Not only do I have a clear picture of who I am, now, and what I want, I have finally allowed myself to start healing from all the past traumas. And I have opened myself up to the wonderful group of loving and supportive friends that have stood by my side without question all these years. I know how truly blessed I am.