MeganDawn_Writes as MystikCeleste

  I've been thinking about Ma a lot, lately. I'm not sure why. I guess because I have been working on clearing stuff out, again. The only things left of her in her bedroom are the bed she never slept on and the recliner that she was always in.  Obviously, the recliner has changed over the years. The one in there now is one we managed to get for her a few years before she died. She was having trouble getting up out of the old one she had - which now lives in the living room and my dolls love it. So we looked into options and actually found a place that donated this one to her. It sits higher than most recliners and the seat lifts up so that she could get up easily.  The bed, on the other hand, has been there a very long time. The mattress was only slept on a few times - usually by one of her grandchildren, possibly my younger sister, and myself for a few days when I first moved back here. Other than that, it's purpose was to act as a very flat couch for those of us that wa...

Have you ever felt like somewhere is just too small for you? Like your personality or your being is just too big for where you are? This is how I feel about Carroll. People in my life keep trying to convince me that I should stay here. And I appreciate that they don't want me to go - well most of them, anyway.  Here's the truth of it, though. I've never felt like I can truly be me, here. This town is notorious for wanting to label people, wanting everyone to fit in their identical little redneck, conservative box. But that has never been me.  Even as a child, I resisted being labeled. I remember saying - many times - that I don't do labels. I never belonged to any of the cliques - though I did talk to people in each one. I was the weird girl that was funny, a bit crazy, a bit mysterious, and kind of scary - apparently. That last one still makes me chuckle.  I was the girl with the deliberately mismatched socks and earrings, who wore her hair long on one side and beaded ...

  "You said normal girls were 'boring' But you were gone by the morning You kicked out the stage lights, But you're still performing And in plain sight you hid But you are what you did And I'll forget you, But I'll never forgive The smallest man who ever lived." - The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived by Taylor Swift, released on her album The Tortured Poets Department in 2024 For the last several years, a few people in my life have been telling me that - despite my insistence to stay single - they were sure that I would find someone when I least expected it. And I believed them. Don't get me wrong, I don't blame them for the story that is about to unfold. I know they said these words with love and good intention. And I love them for that. I only bring it up to explain the point I make later in this writing. Anyway... I was talking to someone awhile ago. Or I thought I was.  When we met, it was straight out of the movies. Our eyes met and there was an i...

 I have been quite fascinated with the topic of love and falling in love, the last couple months. Back in December, I wrote about realizing that I have never truly been in love. That realization has been on my mind a lot since occurring to me.  I was talking to a friend, today, about relationships and love and being independent. He had some very interesting insights on being independent and commented that he felt that a person could become too independent. And no, this wasn't a guy being a typical guy and trying to say that women need men. He was adamant that men are just as guilty of being too independent and thinking that they don't need a woman.  He was also quick to clarify that there was nothing wrong with being independent, but he believes that we all need someone in our lives to be there for us, to offer support, and all of that. I'm paraphrasing and summing up, here. And I agree with him 100%. I have to say, it was very fascinating to hear the views of this topic,...

  "What's the point?" I'll be honest, I have asked myself this question too many times in this last week.  I know some of you are thinking that this is a ridiculous and very dramatic way to react to my car giving out on me. But this was just one more block of the many that have been thrown in my path since September. And when you have too many types of anxiety - including paranoia, PTSD, and panic disorder - sometimes being rational is just beyond comprehension.  Full disclosure? I feel like things have been one thing after another since April 11, 2023. And I have wondered, many times, if I am being punished for my failure on that day. It's possible I have not dealt with that day as well as I thought. Or at all... And, just when it seems that things are finally going to go my way, something new happens. Yes, I know that most people feel like this at some point in their lives. But for me, with my disorders and history, these feelings can manifest into feelings of f...

  2024 First, let's talk about 2024. The last few days, I have seen many social media posts about the kind of 2024 people had. Some had a wonderful year - and I love that for them. Some had a hard and traumatic year - and my heart goes out to them. Some had a year that was either both good and bad, or neither good or bad - it was a year of ups and downs. Me, I have always been one of those people that will post about the bad as quickly as I post about the good. Life is both and so both should be acknowledge and respected and even celebrated. For without the bad, we cannot have the good. And without the good, we cannot have the bad.  So, what was 2024 to me?  It was progress and regression. It was pain and joy. It was grief and understanding. See, both good and bad.  There was no catastrophic or over joyous events, this year. Mostly, it was a year of continuing to deal with the events, trauma's, and lessons of 2023. It was a continuation of learning who I am, what I a...

 So I was watching The Merry Gentleman, earlier this week, and I had an epiphany.  I know I have talked, often, in this blog about being in love and how I am pretty sure that it has never truly happened to me. Since my last blog, I have become even more convinced of that. I have also accepted that - at least for now - it will remain that way. And I am okay with that.  Writing about things has always been part of my process of figuring things out and trying to understand them. My mind is always so chaotic. Writing things down gets them out of my head and allows me to truly see them and analyze them. In a lot of ways, this blog is my version of Dumbledore's Pensieve.  I have come to the realization that one of the reasons I was always so reluctant to watch romance movies was because they are a constant reminder of what I have never had. There are very few romance movies that make my top 20 of favorite movies, much less my top 10. And they’re not even considered romance...

"It doesn't have to be deep Doesn't have to be hard. If we want it. Do you want it? Yeah, I want it. Then lower that guard. Finding my maturity Stepping into a new spark. Do I got it? Yeah, you got it, really got it.  Then we could start Getting a little bit closer Going beyond what's on paper Unexpected life can happen when you make room. Keeping up the composure, but  Probably not for much longer. Cuz if you let it in For just a second, suddenly Something here may want to bloom." - Bloom from In Pieces: A New Musical written by Joey Contreras and performed by Antonio Cipriano and Stephanie Torns, released in June 2024 I have really been giving a lot of thought to this never having been in love thing. I have wondered how this has affected the way I view everything else in my life - like my favorite movies and shows and the characters in them that I relate the most too. More on that in the next blog. And I have been wondering if that has - without me realizing it ...

  Oh, Philip, when you smile I am undone My son, look at my son Pride is not the word I'm looking for There is so much more inside me now Oh, Philip, you outshine the morning sun My son When you smile, I fall apart And I thought I was so smart - Dear Theodosia by Lin-Manuel Miranda as performed by Lin-Manuel and Leslie Odom Jr. in the musical Hamilton Well, neither of my kids is named Phillip, but everything else in this song describes how I feel about my boys. All through my teenage years, I was told that I would most likely not be able to have kids. I don't remember all the medical jargon, but there is some kind of abnormality in my uterus or uterine lining or something. This is the reason my periods have always been abnormal and has caused other issues throughout my teen and adult years. So, I had made my peace - at a young age - that I would never be a mom. Around April of 1995, I found out I was pregnant. I was scared but so happy. A few mo...

  Teardrops are falling Down your face again, 'cause I  Don't know how to love you when I am broken, too Maybe your words make sense I could be the problem, I'm so sorry I know we could just be friends But I don't know when we come down from this, softly Checking on my phone, tryna see what I did last night Baby, I'm hating on myself 'cause I hate it when I make you cry  I know I have written about this, before, but I cannot stop thinking about this whole 'never having been in love' thing. It's kind of becoming an obsession. Not in a bad way or an in denial kind of way. Just the opposite, in fact. Looking back on my past and my previous relationships, I am 99.9% that it is true.  It's the question of 'why' that has become the obsession.  Am I incapable of being in love?  Clearly, I am capable of loving because I know I love my children beyond all reason. And there are a few friends that I know that I love. I know that I love them because ...

  Life gets hard and it gets messed up When you give so much, but it's not enough When the high's too high and the low's too low When you love someone and they let you go Don't you let it kill you Even when it hurts like hell Oh, whatever tears you apart Don't let it break your heart Time takes time to heal it You can't do it by yourself Oh, whatever tears you apart Don't let it break you heart. - Don't Let It Break Your Heart by Louis Tomlinson released in 2020 on his album Walls Okay, I know I used this song in the last blog. But it's just that good that it fits this one, too. Anyway... This whole finding myself and healing thing has been a very long process. It started back in October of 2018, when my last relationship ended. I had to face the knowledge that I had - for the 3rd time in a row - allowed myself to get in a relationship with an abusive, narcissistic, controlling person. That realization didn't sit well, and I went a bit crazy for ...

  When the high's too high and the low's too low When you love someone and they let you go Don't let it kill you, even when it hurts like hell Oh, whatever tears you apart, don't let it break your heart Time takes time to heal it, You can't do it by yourself Oh, whatever tears you apart, Don't let it break your heart It comes and it goes We're driving down a one way road To something better, something better When what hurts you is gonna pass And you'll have learned from it when it comes back You'll be doing better, yeah, doing better - Don't Let It Break Your Heart by Louis Tomlinson released on his 2020 album Walls  I'll be honest, I was not a 1D fan when they were together. Not because they weren't good, because they were. It was just not the kind of music I was listening to, at that time in my life. I have always had an on again off again relationship with pop music, and this was an off period. But in the last few years, it has been on...

  'Oh, your sweet disposition and my wide eyed gaze. We're singing in the car, getting lost upstate. Autumn leaves are falling down like pieces into place. And I can picture it after all these days.  And I know it's long gone and that magic's not here, no more. And I might be okay, but I'm not fine at all. 'Cause there we are again, on that little town street. You almost ran the red, 'cause you were looking over at me.  Wind in my hair, I was there I remember it all too well.  - All Too Well (Taylor's Version & Short Film) released in November 2021 on Red (Taylor's Version) and as a video (starring Sadie Sink and Dylan O'Brien)  I was listening to this song on the way to work, not long ago. Yes, I'm a Swiftie, now. Blame, or thank, Dylan O'Brien. Anyway, it hit me that this song, as beautiful and heartfelt and sad as it is - and as much as I love it - did not make me think of anyone. No nostalgic thoughts or memories of, or lingering ...