Being Queer in 'The Heart of it All"

Will Truman - Anyway, you came up to me. We didn't know each other that well. And you pulled me aside and you said 'Aren't you tired, yet?' And I was tired. Tired of actually reading playboy for the articles. Tired of keeping my Bette Midler albums in Led Zepplin sleeves. You took me to clubs and introduced me to people. Made me realize what I'd been missing by not being myself. And I am thankful for that. 

Jack McFarland - I also taught you how to dance without pointing all the time.

Will - And I am thankful for that. Now, here's my secret. I admire you, Jack. You are more yourself than anyone else I have ever known.

Jack - Will, look. I appreciate what you are trying to do. But this is different. My mother will fall apart. She's ... 

Will - Jack, Jack, Jack. Aren't you tired, yet? 

45 years of living in Ohio. The Buckeye State. The Birthplace of Aviation. The Heart of it All. That last one has always made me giggle. You would think that a place that calls itself that would be far more accepting, understanding, and liberal. But Ohio is anything but. As anyone that has been paying attention to the news knows. 

Outside of Columbus, being Queer is pretty much taboo. I was raised to believe that it was a huge sin to want something besides the perfect husband, the perfect kids, and the little picket fences. I never had friends like Jack and Will who could relate to what I was hiding and give me the courage to be my complete self. I didn't even watch Will & Grace when it was originally on because I filled with so much shame and self-hatred for the thoughts and feelings that haunted me every moment of every day. 

It's no wonder I was such an angry teenager. Having to hide who I was, hating who I was, hating the world around me for making me hate who I was. Knowing that I could not tell anyone in my life what was really going on inside of me because girls from little villages in Red State Ohio were NOT Queer. It all took a toll, quickly. 

I knew I was Queer by the time I was 8 years old. I knew that I liked boys and girls, equally. 

I was drinking and smoking cigarettes by age 12, smoking weed by 13, and into much harder drugs by 14. As long as it didn't come in a needle, I was doing it. My favorite was acid, though. Dropping one of those babies brought me instant peace and the ability to forget the war going on inside of me. I lost myself in rock music and people who were as lost and angry as I was. 

I dated. I had my first girlfriend when I was 9 years old. God, she was special. So cute and sweet and funny. And just as terrified as I was. We admitted our feelings by accident. We were playing in her room and we both went to reach for something at the same time. Our hands touched. We looked at each other for a second. The next thing we knew, we were kissing. It was beautiful and pure and amazing. For the next couple weeks, this continued - stolen kisses when and where we could. But as 2 nine year olds that were raised to believe that these feelings were wrong, the guilt and fear set in. We ended things, including our friendship. 

It was after this, that I started studying religions. I just kept thinking that there had to be a God out there who wouldn't hate me or condemn to an eternity of suffering in a fiery pit because I loved girls as much as I loved boys - maybe even more. 

For the next 30 years I studied religions and continued to hate myself. It was drilled into me - more and more - that being a homosexual was evil and sinful and was only for children of Satan. I had other girlfriends, but, of course, they were secrets. None of them were from my hometown. And none of them lasted long. Most people don't want to date someone that is filled with anger and self-hatred and depression. Nor does anyone want to be kept a secret. 

I also had boyfriends. None of them lasted long, either. Again, because people don't want to date someone that is a walking disaster. Also, I got bored very easily. And I grew tired of the game, quickly. 

At age 12, I was diagnosed as a Manic Depressive with Severe Anxiety, Insomnia, and OCD. I spent a lot of time not wanting to continue to live. And I attempted to end it several times between the ages of 13 - 19. From 17- 31, I had two relatively long term relationships. The first was 6 years with an abusive alcoholic who pretty much thought of me as his maid and personal punching bag. The second was 8 years with a man who just wanted me as a babysitter and ego booster. The only saving grace of that 14 years were the 2 beautiful sons that I brought into this world. Those babies are saved me from drugs and ending my life. 

When the second relationship ended, I decided I was done with dating. Obviously, I had terrible taste in partners. I was not just tired, I was exhausted. So, I spent the next 9 years focused on my boys and work and school. I only spoke to a few people in that time. When I was home and not with my sons, I gave myself over to my shows and my music and musicals and theatre ... all the geeky things that made my geeky heart sing. I sought out therapy again. This time I was diagnosed with BiPolar, Severe Anxiety, Paranoia, Insomnia, and OCD. Oh yeah, I am a real catch ... 

At 39 years, I met Sonya at work. It was instant attraction and it did not take long before we were dating. And, finally, I was free. Something about this relationship made me want to finally be honest about who I was. I could finally tell people that I was Queer, that I loved girls, too. The reactions from my little town were pretty much what you would expect from a small Ohio town. Some people claimed to be cool with it, but talked behind my back. Some straight told me they thought it was gross and wrong. One person even going so far as to tell me they would 'hate the sin but love the sinner'. Some walked away and disappeared from my life. My mom was content to pretend that Sonya was just a friend. And there were the rare few that were genuinely happy for me and accepted me with no questions or judgement, just love. Eventually, I moved in with Sonya in the next town over. 

When that relationship ended, I came back to this little town. Seriously, the place is like a black hole. It constantly sucks you back in. 

Again, I was facing fake acceptance. Again, I was in a place where I was the only LGBTQ+ person. And I was suffocating. It took a couple years, but eventually, the rumors and judgements and fake people got to me and I broke (see previous blog). 

So, yes Will, I am tired.

But there is hope. 

I am still in this town, but not for long. I am finally making plans to leave - not just the town, but the state - for good. I am moving to a place where I can be my Queer, geeky, theatre loving, music obsessed self. Where I will have Queer friends and a Queer community. Where I will be loved and accepted for exactly who I am. While I still feel like I am suffocating and can get lonely as hell, I see a light at the end of this tunnel. Every time I think about getting out, getting away, the suffocation lifts for a bit and I can breathe. In just a few short years, I will be completely free. 

UPDATE - This blog was originally posted on July 28, 2022. And I do still have too many days where I feel like I am suffocating. But they are easier to take. I have begun to put more and more energy into things I love - writing, singing, dancing, video edits, and the few friends that have stuck by me in these last 2 years. Those people have been my rocks and my strength. I would not be doing the things I am doing, if not for them. And, I am much closer to getting out of this place. Instead of a few short years, we are down to a few short months. And I am so excited about the adventures to come.