I Am The One Thing In Life I Can Control. A Hard Lesson - Learned.

 Death doesn't discriminate

Between the sinners and the saints

It takes and it takes and it takes

And we keep living anyway. 

We rise and we fall and we break

And we make our mistakes

I am the one thing in life I can control

I am inimitable, I am an original.

- Wait For It, from the musical Hamilton, as written by Lin-Manuel Miranda and performed by Leslie Odom Jr.

Hamilton is such a great musical, truly powerful. Lin-Manuel is a genius. And such a sweet and funny guy. Seriously, I sometimes I wonder if the man is human. Now, I did skip a few lines in the above song. Not because they are not good, because they are. But because these are the lines that speak to me the loudest when I listen to the song. And, let's face it, anyone that knows me knows that I am NOT patient and that I am terrible at waiting for anything. 

If the whole state of the world and the mental breakdown mess taught me anything, it has taught me that. And it has taught me that I AM the one thing in life that I can control. And that is about the only thing. 

I cannot control the world around me. I cannot control how people react to or choose to live in this world. I cannot control how people react to me or choose to feel about me. I cannot control their views or opinions - no matter how archaic they might be. 

However, I can control how I react to other people. I can control - well, maybe not how I feel about people - but how I express or make those feelings known. I can control how I react to the world around me. I can control how I choose to live in it. I can control how I let this world affect me. 

The world is so broken, right now. It is even more broken than I am. And I did not think that was possible. But all that is going on ... and the fact that people seem to be okay with it, just baffles me. 

I don't understand how any woman can sit there and think that it is okay that Roe vs Wade has been overturned. I don't see how they can think that it is okay that men want to take away the right for us to decide what we do with our bodies. And I don't just mean abortion. They want to take away our rights to be free and independent. Women who support this, may I suggest that you watch The Handmaid's Tale, because that is where we are headed if this mess continues. 

I don't understand how any black person can sit there and try to make excuses for what happened to George Floyd - or worse - pass blame onto him. Or how they can sit there and listen to people disparage their entire race and not get angry. Or how anyone can know my oldest son, claim to love him, but not be angry about what is happening to the Black Community. 

I don't understand how any member of the LGBTQ+ Community can sit there and listen to them talk about how we are an abomination, how they are trying to take away the rights of our Transgender brothers and sisters, how they are trying to make it illegal for all of us to even exist, much less have any rights, and not be angry about it. Nor do I understand how anyone can know me, claim to love me, yet still support these people. 

I don't understand how people can claim to be Christian, yet spew hate and ugliness. It's like they are stuck in the Old Testament and forgot that there is a whole other section to their precious book. 

I don't understand how someone can claim to be your friend, to care about you - them let someone spread ridiculous rumors about you. Or choose to believe those rumors. 

Like I said, I know I cannot control any of this. 

What I can control is how much I let these people be a part of my life. What I can control is how I let their ugly behavior and archaic views affect me and my life. 

One of the reasons I am moving from this town is so that I can find a place that I belong - where I know I am truly loved because the people there are like me. A place where I will not only be accepted, but truly understood. A place where I can say 'Hey, let me play you this song.' and the response will be 'Okay, cool.' - NOT 'No one wants to hear your music.' That place is not here. 

Over time, I have learned how to control my emotions - how to keep them hidden and buried. Maybe too well, as crying is not something that comes easy to me, anymore. I have learned how to be shallow and surface oriented. I have learned how to not trust or let people get close enough to hurt me. Yeah, I know that's not healthy. But, right now, it is the best course for me. 

Of course, I don't want to be this way. I used to be a fun-loving, friendly, funny, sarcastic, warm, and open person. And, good gods, I miss that girl. I long to bring her back to the surface. Finding a place where I belong and a community that truly understands me is one way that I can do that. 

I am working on gaining control of my mental craziness - the anxiety and OCD and PTSD and depression and mania. Focusing on my writing and dancing and music is helping so much with that. 

I am also, FINALLY, learning to control my relationship with food. For way too long, food has controlled me. But I am, slowly, conquering that - and starting to lose the weight that I need to lose. Of course, the dancing and singing probably help with that, too. 

I am even starting to think that - just maybe - there is a partner out there for me. A guy or girl that will appreciate me and who I am and will want the same things that I want. I have even given thought to what I want in a relationship - someone who loves music as much as I do. Someone that I can sing and dance with. Maybe even someone that plays piano or guitar. Someone who appreciates theatre and musicals and would gladly watch them with me. Someone that shares my interests. And someone that I would be willing to share their interests, as well. Maybe, just maybe, I will find that person when I move. I mean, anyone that has been keeping up with this blog will know just how much progress that this paragraph alone is. 

I am a person that is full of love and romance and desire and passion and empathy and understanding. I have so much to give. And it is a tragedy that I keep that to myself. I know that, someday, I will have a community - and maybe even a partner - that will not only accept what I have to give, but will be able to give it back to me. 

Until then, I will continue to work and plan for that future. I will continue to chase my dream of being a writer and a dancer. I will continue to learn and exert control over myself and my life. 

The rest - well, it will do what it's going to do. 

Originally posted on October 23, 2022

UPDATE - Thankfully, I no longer consider myself broken. I have put in a lot of work toward healing and repairing myself. And I am making great progress. Unfortunately, the world is still broken. Maybe even worse now than when I wrote this. Even though I know that I cannot control people and their ignorance and hatred, I can speak out against it. I can join the fight for my community, for my sons community, and for the communities of my Jewish and Asian friends. And I have done just that. I have also eliminated all of the toxic people I was still allowing access to my life. In the process, I found a small group of the best friends I could ever ask for. And while none of them are Queer, they are the best Allies a Queer Gal could ask for. They are the most supportive and understanding and funny and amazing people I have ever known. And, ironically, I have known them most of my life. It's so funny that people you can know your whole life and start as casual friends or acquaintances will eventually become your rock, your inspiration, and your family. That is exactly what happened. And I am so grateful for them every single day. Though I am still moving, no matter where I end up or who else comes into my life, this group will always be my best friends and my family.