Finding Myself and Complete Healing

 Life gets hard and it gets messed up

When you give so much, but it's not enough

When the high's too high and the low's too low

When you love someone and they let you go

Don't you let it kill you

Even when it hurts like hell

Oh, whatever tears you apart

Don't let it break your heart

Time takes time to heal it

You can't do it by yourself

Oh, whatever tears you apart

Don't let it break you heart.

- Don't Let It Break Your Heart by Louis Tomlinson released in 2020 on his album Walls

Okay, I know I used this song in the last blog. But it's just that good that it fits this one, too.

Anyway...

This whole finding myself and healing thing has been a very long process.

It started back in October of 2018, when my last relationship ended. I had to face the knowledge that I had - for the 3rd time in a row - allowed myself to get in a relationship with an abusive, narcissistic, controlling person. That realization didn't sit well, and I went a bit crazy for a few months. I made poor decisions and was pretty self-destructive. 

As the weeks flew by, I began to realize I did not enjoy the life I was living. This was not me. I realized that I had no idea who 'me' was, anymore. What's really funny about that is that - during the last few months of that relationship - my friend, Manuela kept telling me that I had lost myself, that I had let this relationship have such control over me that I was no longer the Megan that she had known and loved for 3 years (at that time. We have now been friends for 8 years). But it took finding another partner cheating on me, for me to listen to her. 

From about January of 2019 to January of 2021, I was back and forth between being okay to being a complete and total wreck. It was such a roller coaster ride. I know, now, it is because I was not allowing myself to heal. I was just existing - not living. But back then, my only goal was to not feel, not care, to become even more cold and hard than I had been. 

January of 2021 was a huge turning point. The exact catalyst I needed to set me on the path I needed to be on. I had a complete and total mental break down. It was so bad that I almost ended my own life. This break had been a long time in coming. I was finally pushed over that edge by, yet, another betrayal. People that pretended to be my friends. 

I knew that they were not really my friends. Too many times, while we were hanging out, I often referred to myself as the 'tertiary' friend and the 'backup' friend. They never corrected me. But they were not spreading rumors about me around our little town, like I heard other people were doing. At that point, this group was the lesser of two evils, in my life. 

In all honesty, I knew it was just a matter of time before they showed their true colors. But I was still in the frame of mind where I thought being home all the time would be worse than being out. Because being home would mean I would have to face everything I had been running from most of my life. 

I won't go into the whole story, here. I have a whole other blog, from my previous site, that I will repost here - that tells the whole sordid story. But I can say that I no longer hate these 4 women. I did, for a long time. Actually, until about a week ago, I hated them. And while I have no desire to be their friend, again - I do wish them peace and happiness in their lives. And I really should thank them. They were the final straw that broke and set me on this 3 year journey of self-discovery and healing. 

So if anyone sees Angie or Amanda or Patty or Brooke, tell them I said thank you and that I wish them a great life. 

Of course, the last 3 years have not been easy. I have still put up a fight against having to face everything. But, in the last 3 weeks, I finally opened myself completely to my past. To all the abuse I have suffered - from physical to mental to emotional to verbal. To all the dumb decisions, like getting involved in drugs and one night stands and hurting other people - from hiding who I truly am, even from myself. 

I have sat and faced it all. I have let the memories wash over me, flood my heart and mind. I have even made myself look for every scar that remains on my body - scars caused by others and myself. 

I am still working on this discovery of finding the true me. As you can see, the last 3 weeks have been a revelation. I have finally reached the point where I am tired of just existing. I want to live. I want a life where I love most everything about it. From what I do for a living to where I live to being able to travel and even having a true partner, some day. I want to enjoy living. Of course, I know there will still be hard times, but I want to be in a position where those do not stress me out or send me into an anxiety attack. 

I want to make sure that the people I love know that I love them. I want them to know that I do appreciate them and all they do for me. And I want them to understand why I have - too often - been a terrible friend. 

I have started by trying to reach out more. 

In the last several years, I have been someone who keeps myself remote - not reaching out, not initiating conversations. Just letting people come to me when they want. Part of that is because everything I've been through has made me guarded and jaded. 

Also, being Queer in a small Ohio town has played a role. Since coming out, some people have said they accept it but don't want to hear about it or talk about it. Others have denied it - going as far as telling me, to my face, that I was not gay and insisting that I am straight. And then there are those that just quit talking to me, altogether. 

Another big revelation is realizing that I have never actually been in love. I have had relationships. I've even been married, once. I cared about all of them. Even loved a couple. But actually being in love? That one has eluded me. 

For a long time, I was convinced that romantic love was not meant for me. I believed that I was just destined to be alone and single. I no longer believe that. I do believe there is a partner out there for me. I don't know who they are. I just know that they are out there - NOT in Ohio. 

I can say that all these failed relationships have taught me what I do want and expect from that partner. Just as I know they have their own wants and needs and expectations. I know that, as soon as we meet, we will know each other. And we will know that we are home. 

When I look back on who I was 3 years ago or 6 years ago, I cannot believe it was me. I look at how damaged I was and what I let all that trauma do to me. I am shocked that I am still here, walking and talking and about to embark on the most exciting adventure of my life. 

And I think of the 7 people who - since January 2021 - made sure that I survived it all. They are the ones that knew, immediately, that my disappearance was not normal or okay. They sensed something was off. They made it their mission to find out what that was. When everyone else just assumed I was being cold and distant and let me disappear - these 7 did not. 

They were messaging me every day, even when I didn't respond. They did not give up on me. After a couple of weeks, I began to answer. While I did not tell them what had happened that sent me over that edge - they didn't press it. They pulled me back up from the bottom. These 7 set me on this path to get it together, to chase my dreams, to figure out who I am and be that person - completely and totally. 

So Mandy, Shellie, Jason, Renee, Jen, Beth, and Shelly - thank you for not giving up on me. Even though I was not the best friend and in such a dark place. You guys saw something better in me. Something I did not believe I had in me. You helped me find her. And to my friend, Connie - who I have known about a year, now - thank you for seeing the real me. Not just the goofball that I chose to show. 

So, dear readers, if you have friends that just won't go away, that won't let you wallow or hide or sink into that darkness - listen to them. Let them in. Because those people are not just friends. They are family. They are Angels sent to make sure you know that you are loved and wanted and needed. Be grateful for them. And learn to love them, in return. 

It's so worth it. I promise. 

Originally posted February 24, 2024