Falling in love, the past, and how it all connects. For me, anyway.

 'Oh, your sweet disposition and my wide eyed gaze.

We're singing in the car, getting lost upstate.

Autumn leaves are falling down like pieces into place.

And I can picture it after all these days. 

And I know it's long gone and that magic's not here, no more.

And I might be okay, but I'm not fine at all.

'Cause there we are again, on that little town street.

You almost ran the red, 'cause you were looking over at me. 

Wind in my hair, I was there

I remember it all too well. 

- All Too Well (Taylor's Version & Short Film) released in November 2021 on Red (Taylor's Version) and as a video (starring Sadie Sink and Dylan O'Brien) 

I was listening to this song on the way to work, not long ago. Yes, I'm a Swiftie, now. Blame, or thank, Dylan O'Brien. Anyway, it hit me that this song, as beautiful and heartfelt and sad as it is - and as much as I love it - did not make me think of anyone. No nostalgic thoughts or memories of, or lingering longings for, a past relationship or a past crush. 

As I thought more on it, I realized that no love song or break up song sparks any kind of memories or feelings or any reaction at all towards my past. Not even songs that have been a big part of past relationships. 

That made me start wondering, have I ever actually been in love? I have been in a couple of relationships where I thought I was, at the time. And even for awhile after they ended. But I have been able to get over each break up rather quickly. And if I ever do try to look back, I can barely recall anything about the relationship or the person or even why I thought I was in love with them. 

It's all mostly a blank. 

Maybe I am just so dead inside that any romantic feelings I may have had for anyone has been erased. 

They're legit questions and concerns. Most people have someone - some memory or feeling or both - that rises to the front of their mind when they hear these types of songs. 

So why not me? Is there something fundamentally wrong with me? Just how broken am I? 

As we all know, I LOVE music. Music is such a huge part of myself and my world. It is my inspiration and my therapy. When I listen to music a few different things can happen - 

• I sing at the top of my lungs. Okay this is inevitable. It happens every time
• I picture the movie or tv show that it may have come from 
• I picture myself dancing to it and coming up with choreography 
• I picture the person or band that is playing/singing it and wonder what they were going through when they wrote the song
• I think about my future and where my life is going

Or any number of combinations of these. 

And with the above Taylor song, I do picture the video - yes, that is partly because Dylan is in it. But also because of Taylor, who has darker hair in it and is pretty hot. Don't get me wrong, Taylor is gorgeous with her blonde hair, but anyone that knows me knows that I don't usually find blondes attractive - in men or women. I like my brunettes. 

But no memories or nostalgia, happy or otherwise.

But I digress. 

When I was 12 years old and going through counseling for the first, of many, times - my therapist told me that I am the type of person that blocks out traumatic events. Somehow, I deliberately erase the trauma from my mind and memories, as if it never happened. 

Maybe this is why my PTSD can get triggered so easily and so violently. Because those memories are still there, right. I mean, we never really erase memories or trauma. It still lives on inside of us, somewhere. My counselor proved that by recovering some very traumatic events that I had blocked out for over 4 years. 

Maybe I have done the same thing with being in love. I know I have talked about my previous relationships in previous blogs. Perhaps, because those relationships were so traumatic, I blocked out or erased any feelings that I might have had for them. 

But that can't really be it. Not all of it, anyway. As a teenager, I dated some really nice people - guys and girls. They were sweet and caring, funny and attentive. I was the problem. From the time I was 12 until I was 17, I did not stay in relationships long. I think, during that time, the longest was about 2 months. 

With guys, I would get bored and need to move on. I never found one that could hold my attention. 

With the girls, I would become scared that someone would find out - even though I never dated a girl from my hometown, outside that first girl. And I never brought them to Carroll. We did talk on the phone and hang out at the mall and at the homes of mutual friends - usually in Lancaster. But I never found one that was worth the risk of being outed for. 

If any of you are reading this - guy or girl - please don't take offense. The problem was not you. As I think back more and more and delve deeper into myself - I am convinced the problem has always been inside of me.

It leads me to consider the two explanations that make the most sense. 

One, that I am incapable of romantic love. Maybe, for whatever reason, that ability didn't come with me into this life. 

The other one is that my soulmate is nowhere near me. They didn't resurrect in this life, they left this life at a young age, or they resurrected far from me and we haven't met, yet. One of these seems the most likely because I do remember having a soulmate in my past lives. 

I remember what it is to love so deeply and unconditionally and to be loved and treasured, in turn. I remember being held and kissed and revered as if I were the most important person to walk the earth. Each life that I remember, I spent with this one soul. Maybe that is the real problem. That would explain all my past relationships, my reactions to them and to the breakups, and my ability to move on and forget. This would also explain some of the many weird experiences and craziness that goes on inside of me, way too often. 

The past lives romance novel that I am working on is very much inspired and influenced by this. 

So, maybe it's not that I cannot love. Maybe it's that I can only love this one soul. Maybe they are still out there and we will meet in the next chapter of this life. I have said, many times, that if there is someone out there for me, they are not here in Ohio. Maybe they are in New York or one of the cities that I will get to spend time in when I begin my travels. 

Or maybe, the other theory is the right one, they are not in this life. Maybe I am meant to walk this life alone. Possibly, there is something that I am meant to learn on my own this time around and we will meet in the next life. 

I have always known what I want out of a relationship, what my expectations are, what I deserve. And I believe it is because of the love that I have found in each life with this one soul that is tied to mine. So, I am holding out hope that this soul is here, somewhere, in this life. That we will meet, soon. 

If you are new here, you're probably wondering what I am talking about and if I am totally crazy. I have very interesting and uncommon spiritual beliefs. Something I never talked much about until I started writing these blogs. If you want to know more, you can check out the others. 

As for the crazy thing, well yes - I am. But in a very endearing-not-going-to-hurt-you kind of way. I mean, this blog did take a turn that I did not see coming. How many people could go from questioning their ability to love to relating it to past lives? 

And, yes, all my blogs run a very curvy track. 

Originally written on October 21, 2023

UPDATE - Well, I am no longer of the mind that I am unlovable. With all the healing and work I have done this last year, I have been able to banish that thought from my mind - mostly. The more I learn about myself and rediscover myself and my talents, the more I lean into the belief that I just have not met that one soul that I have travelled through all my lives with. But they are out there. And we will meet, when the time is right.