Believing in my worth

 When the high's too high and the low's too low

When you love someone and they let you go

Don't let it kill you, even when it hurts like hell

Oh, whatever tears you apart, don't let it break your heart

Time takes time to heal it, You can't do it by yourself

Oh, whatever tears you apart, Don't let it break your heart

It comes and it goes

We're driving down a one way road

To something better, something better

When what hurts you is gonna pass

And you'll have learned from it when it comes back

You'll be doing better, yeah, doing better

- Don't Let It Break Your Heart by Louis Tomlinson released on his 2020 album Walls 

I'll be honest, I was not a 1D fan when they were together. Not because they weren't good, because they were. It was just not the kind of music I was listening to, at that time in my life. I have always had an on again off again relationship with pop music, and this was an off period. But in the last few years, it has been on again. In 2023, I listened to Niall Horan and Harry Styles' solo albums and fell in love with them both, the albums - not the guys. Then, I saw a live 1D performance of 'Night Changes' on TikTok and was immediately hooked. That led me to checking out the rest of One Direction's music. Eventually, I found my way to Louis and Liam and Zayne's solo stuff. And I have to say, these guys are mega talented. Better late than never, I guess. 

Because of the heartbreak that I have been through in my past, I have a very small circle of friends. I keep it small on purpose. These amazing people that I have allowed to get close to me are the best people in the world. They are amazing at letting me know - and reminding me, when necessary - that I am loved and appreciated and even needed. 

All things that I have hardly ever felt or been shown, throughout my life. I cannot put into proper words just how important these people are to me. And just how much it means to me, that they see beyond the damaged, jaded, emotionally stunted chaotic mess that I am. 

I have to admit, though, that I do sometimes struggle to believe that I add anything of value to their lives. As much as they give me, I feel like I don't give even half of that back to them. Not for lack of trying. More of a lack of belief that I am capable of contributing anything of value to anyone's lives. 

See, growing up in such a small town and being thought of as the strange one - going through all the trauma and abuse that I have - it's been too easy to see myself as unimportant, unnecessary, and forgettable. Especially when you've been told that over and over, throughout your life. 

This belief, these words, this lesson - it has colored every part of my life. It is the reason I did not chase my dream of being a writer when I was younger. It is the reason I don't let someone know when I might have a crush on them - actually running in the opposite direction, instead. And it has affected every job that I have had. 

I have been doing Customer Service since I was 13 years old. Well, 13-15 years were jobs that I had through Community Action, but they still count. 

I have been very good at each job that I have held. Rationally, I know that. My record at each job proves that. But these words, that echo through my head from my past and into my present and future, have tainted even my belief in my ability to be good at my job. 

Though, I am working on myself and on healing my past traumas, my confidence is building and I am finding more belief in myself - I still have a bad habit of wondering just how much of a difference I make in other people's lives. 

Until December. 

The company I currently work for is pretty large. They have store fronts in several states and are continually expanding. Sometimes, for one or more of any business related reasons, they close stores. In December, this happened to the location I had been working in for 5 years. It was not due to the fault of any of us that worked there. It was just a necessary business move. 

I got transferred to an office that is the same distance from my home, just in the opposite direction. It is a location where I already knew everyone that worked there. It is in an area that I grew up hanging out in. So, it was a very easy and comfortable transition. 

I was sad to leave behind the clients that I had been working with, and taking care of, for 5 years. In the last couple of weeks that we were open, telling each of those clients that we were closing was very difficult. We assured them that their information was being transferred to the closest location and that they would be taken care of, there. Many of them asked me what was going to happen to me. 

They were very concerned that I was losing my job. Which was so sweet.

I assured them that I was not losing my job but that I was being transferred to a new location about 40 minutes away from that current one. I told them that they were more than welcome to call me there, if they chose to or needed anything. 

Each one of them told me that they would miss me and thanked me for how well I had taken care of them, over the years. I was very touched. And knew that I would miss them, as well. Honestly, I thought that would be the end of it. I really did not expect any of them to call my new office. It just made more sense for them to go to or call the office that was only 15-20 minutes away. 

I was wrong. 

More than half of my clients have started calling my new location. Some of them are even making the drive down to the office. Every single one of them has told me that they would rather do that so that they can keep working with me. 

To experience that, to know that you have helped so many people and made them so comfortable - that they would follow you to an office that is further away - it's quite humbling and overwhelming. To know that you make that kind of difference to people, it really puts things into perspective. 

It has made me consider that maybe I also make a difference in the lives of the people that I love. I mean, if I make a difference to people who only know me as their representative, it should not be inconceivable to believe that I make a difference to the people who know me the best. 

I have had to come to terms with the acceptance that, maybe, I am not the terrible person that I have longed believed I am. That I have been told I was by people who will never matter, again. It's an interesting place to find myself. 

I hope to, someday soon, have this same impact on people with my writing. NO! Not hope. 

I WILL! Very soon! 

Originally posted on January 22, 2024

UPDATE - Thanks to the healing and work I have been doing on myself, I very rarely ever see myself as unimportant, unnecessary, or forgettable, anymore. Unfortunately, hearing those things for a very good portion of your life, it is difficult to throw them off, for good. I have my weak moments where those words will still echo in my head. But, I have cut out all the negative people, and only surround myself with people who give as much to me as I give to them - so it is much easier to push those thoughts away, now. Never in my life have I felt so loved and accepted as I do, now. Never have I had people that believe in me and encourage me to follow my dreams the way these people do. I know just how blessed and loved that I am.