Destined To Be Eternally Single Or Fall In Love? Only Time Will Tell

"It doesn't have to be deep
Doesn't have to be hard.
If we want it. Do you want it?
Yeah, I want it.
Then lower that guard.
Finding my maturity
Stepping into a new spark.
Do I got it?
Yeah, you got it, really got it. 
Then we could start
Getting a little bit closer
Going beyond what's on paper
Unexpected life can happen when you make room.
Keeping up the composure, but 
Probably not for much longer.
Cuz if you let it in
For just a second, suddenly
Something here may want to bloom."
- Bloom from In Pieces: A New Musical written by Joey Contreras and performed by Antonio Cipriano and Stephanie Torns, released in June 2024

I have really been giving a lot of thought to this never having been in love thing.

I have wondered how this has affected the way I view everything else in my life - like my favorite movies and shows and the characters in them that I relate the most too. More on that in the next blog.

And I have been wondering if that has - without me realizing it - influenced my decision to remain single. I am sure it has had to have. I mean, I have no desire to get myself into another relationship where I am controlled and brainwashed into believing that I love the person. 3 strikes and you're out, right. But I think it goes much deeper than that. 

Honestly, I have even wondered if maybe I am not capable of being in love. I do love. I love my children, I love my friends, and I love my family.

And I want to be in love. I dream about it. When I watch romances, or work on the ones that I am writing, I want to know what that feels like. So, I am not completely heartless. 

OR maybe I am. Maybe it's easier to dream about it and live vicariously through music, movies, and writing. It's definitely safer. Maybe that is what will make me a successful writer and journalist. Not being able to fall in love in real life, but having an eerily accurate ability to envision it and dream about it, therefore being able to create it in the fantasy worlds that I will bring to life. And in the true life stories of others that I will bring to print. That's an interesting perspective I never considered before. 

Maybe it's been about my creativity, all along. Maybe I am supposed to be sharing my gifts with the world, instead of just one person. Maybe that is where my focus was always supposed to be. I mean, this blog came to mind when I posted a story to Instagram, earlier this week. I shared a video of Antonio Cipriano and Stephanie Torns singing Bloom from the In Pieces Musical. A beautiful and inspiring musical from the genius mind of Joey Contreras.

Anyway, I captioned my story As a self-proclaimed, eternally single gal whose life thrives on music, I fall in love with voices. 

The reality, the accuracy of that statement hit me right in the heart. I have said, more than once, that if I could marry a voice, I would. I have said that about the singing voices of Skylar and Jeremy and Antonio and Jensen. Hell, I've said that about Dylan and Josh and Skylar and Jeremy just in relation to their speaking voices, that's how much they move and inspire me. Maybe that is why those 4 have such an impact on me, why every piece of their work - their art - moves me. Maybe that's why Dylan and Skylar, who influence my own art and creativity so strongly, that I have come to think of them as my muses. 

Maybe this dream I am currently chasing has been my destiny all this time. Maybe everything I have been through has been to prepare me for this journey. To give me the strength and willpower to enter the world of creating art and entertainment and thrive there. If only I had the funds to be able to stay home and give all my time to it, instead of having to work a day job. 

And I do believe that I have the talent and the state of mind to be successful in this world. People talk about finding their true purpose in life. Since I was 9 years old, I have felt that writing was mine. 

Well, after bringing the 2 most amazing and intelligent and beautiful boys into the world and raising them into amazing young men. And now that that is accomplished, I am feeling, stronger and stronger, the pull to make that a reality. 

The trick now is, working and busting my ass, to make it happen. That means giving more time to this blog, which I have severely neglected, and buckling down and working on the 3 novels that I am currently writing. Trying to do all of that on top of working the day job and take care of the house is going to make sleep a rare and valued commodity. Of course, I have never been much of a sleeper, so that shouldn't be a problem. See, this is where not having to work a day job would really come in handy. Or finding a writing job that allows me to work from home - which I have been applying for. 

It's all about getting my name and work out there, in front of people, until it makes its way into the hands of the right person. 

With all that needs done to make this dream my reality, there really is no time for relationships and love and all that. Maybe that’s why I am staying single. If I’m serious about this course of action, and I am, I need as few distractions as possible. 

There is also the fact that I enjoy being single. I actually enjoy being alone. Are there times that I wish for a partner's help? Yes. Are there times when I've longed for a second income to help ease the stress and burden of just surviving day to day living? At these prices, most definitely. But those times are few and far between. 

I enjoy knowing that I have overcome this last year on my own. I enjoy knowing that I am paying the bills and surviving on my own. I enjoy having complete and total control over my life. I enjoy being able to go where I want, when I want, without worrying about what someone else will say. I enjoy being able to watch the tv shows and movies that I want, and as many times over and over that I want, without listening to someone else whine or tell me that I can't. I enjoy being able to listen to whatever music I want. 

I enjoy my life being completely and totally my own. 

Naturally, I do get lonely, sometimes. But I miss going to dinner or drinks or dancing with friends. I miss funny text message conversations. I miss having friends that have time for me. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends with all my heart. They are the best people in the world. But all of my friends are in relationships - happy ones. I am truly happy for them. But it can be hard being the only single one. 

Of course, none of this answers the question of whether or not I am capable of falling in love. 

All I can say, for certain, is that as of now - August of 2024 - I have never been in love. Unfortunately, despite all my gifts and otherworldly talents, I do not know if I ever will be. 

Maybe I do have a soulmate, a twin flame, a true love out there somewhere. Maybe they will come into my life once I reach that future, the life I am working so hard for, right now. Maybe they are out there somewhere, looking out their window, wondering if they will ever find love. Or maybe they are in a relationship that they enjoy but can feel is not quite right, not quite real love and they dream about finding it - searching for it at night when they close their eyes. 

Or maybe they are a figment of my imagination and I really am meant to travel the rest of this life on my own. 

Only time will tell.