Reminders From A Small Man

 "You said normal girls were 'boring'
But you were gone by the morning
You kicked out the stage lights,
But you're still performing
And in plain sight you hid
But you are what you did
And I'll forget you,
But I'll never forgive
The smallest man who ever lived."
- The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived by Taylor Swift, released on her album The Tortured Poets Department in 2024

For the last several years, a few people in my life have been telling me that - despite my insistence to stay single - they were sure that I would find someone when I least expected it. And I believed them. Don't get me wrong, I don't blame them for the story that is about to unfold. I know they said these words with love and good intention. And I love them for that. I only bring it up to explain the point I make later in this writing.

Anyway...

I was talking to someone awhile ago. Or I thought I was. 

When we met, it was straight out of the movies. Our eyes met and there was an instant connection. For the next week, this guy treated me like I had never been treated before. He said and did all the right things. I'd like to say that I fought it, even for a couple of days, but I'd be lying. I was swept off my feet. 

He was constantly telling me that I was gorgeous, that I was beautiful. He laughed at all my jokes, even the stupid ones. He would hug me and tell me that I felt right in his arms and he never wanted to let me go. He would come up behind me, when I least expected it, and wrap his arms around my waist and lay his chin on my shoulder. He would kiss me and then tell me that he could spend all day just kissing and holding me. There was the way he would look at me. The way he would hold me. The way he would touch me. When we were apart, he was texting 'hey gorgeous' and saying he missed me. Everything I ever wanted someone to say to me, every way I wanted to be touched and treated - this guy was doing it all. 

When I say that I had never been treated like this, I mean that. It was really like all my romantic fantasies had come to life. You know, all those things I have said are too good to be true. All those things that I have said only exist in the movies, not in real life. Well not in my real life. 

Turns out I was right. 

This guy played me and he played me well. He saw all the vulnerabilities I fight to hide, he saw the loneliness I keep buried deep - and he exposed all of it. I have no one to blame for this, but myself. I learned these lessons long ago. But this guy was good. It was almost like he was sent by the demon that rules my life to show me that I was not as strong or as together as I thought I was. 

Most people believe they have a guardian angel that helps in their lives. I believe - even more now than ever - that I have a destructive demon in charge of mine. A demon that I am tired of fighting.

Anyway...

Then with no warning, it all changed. Oh, he was still flirty. But, suddenly, the hugs and kisses were gone. All those beautiful words were no longer being said. It all disappeared as if it had been part of some fever dream. And maybe it was. Maybe my fractured soul and my trauma soaked mind collided to fuck with me. 

There were other, small things, also. Things that most people wouldn't notice or think anything of. But me being who I am and having been through what I have, I recognized them immediately. Red Flags wave high when you're paying attention. 

To make it all even better, he straight told me that another woman had texted him and asked him out. I guess I can give him credit for honesty... 😐

And just like that, I was the sucker that let him in, that let him break walls that had been standing for years, that believed that maybe I had actually found a person that could truly care about me. 

To add to the thoughts that maybe I had dreamed the whole thing, he was acting like nothing ever happened between us. He was acting like we have only ever been good friends, even calling me 'bestie'. When we see each other, he's all smiles and wanting to laugh and joke around, like he hasn't left me spinning in a swirl of confusion and with the ringing question 'what did I do wrong' echoing through my head. 

At first, I made the mistake of trying to understand what the hell had happened and being angry with him. Then I remembered that, with people like him, there is no reason other than it is their pathology. Being angry with him and constantly asking myself that question was not doing me any good. 

Then I was angry with myself. I still am. 

I should have known better. He was, quite literally, too good to be true. I have traveled this road too many times to keep allowing myself to be led down it. I have long accepted that the single life is my destiny. Now all that is left to do is pick up the pieces of those broken walls and rebuild them. 

I will say this - he is the reason I started back on the punching bag. So, not only did he remind me of my place in this world, he got me working out again. So, I'll give him that. 

I wish I could say that this experience has not set me back, emotionally and mentally, but that would be a lie. I am back in that mindset of believing that I will never fall in love, that it is not meant for me. It truly is the safest place for me. Clearly, I am too fragile to allow people into my life. As sad as it sounds, I function better in loneliness. It is where I thrive. And, with all that is going on in my life - and the coming move to a new state - getting involved would be stupid and unfair.

I mean, they say that the best art is born from pain and loneliness. As a writer, isn't that the best place for me to live?