MeganDawn_Writes as MystikCeleste

  I've been thinking about Ma a lot, lately. I'm not sure why. I guess because I have been working on clearing stuff out, again. The only things left of her in her bedroom are the bed she never slept on and the recliner that she was always in.  Obviously, the recliner has changed over the years. The one in there now is one we managed to get for her a few years before she died. She was having trouble getting up out of the old one she had - which now lives in the living room and my dolls love it. So we looked into options and actually found a place that donated this one to her. It sits higher than most recliners and the seat lifts up so that she could get up easily.  The bed, on the other hand, has been there a very long time. The mattress was only slept on a few times - usually by one of her grandchildren, possibly my younger sister, and myself for a few days when I first moved back here. Other than that, it's purpose was to act as a very flat couch for those of us that wa...

This year marks 10 years since I officially came out.  I have known that I was different since I was very young. But I could never tell anyone.  I couldn't tell anyone when I had a girlfriend. I couldn't tell anyone about all the confusing thoughts and feelings that were constantly swirling inside of me and echoing throughout my mind. Insomnia has been my nighttime companion for as long as I can remember. Having all this going on inside of me was one of the reasons for that. Even during my years in counseling, I never spoke about my interest in girls or my aversion to sex or confusion over what I was or - more accurately - not feeling, inside.  Nope, I was a proper girl who was raised in the heart of redneck Ohio. I dated the boys and pretended to enjoy sex and convinced myself that I wanted to fall in love and I had the kids. The only part of all of that I didn't hate was bringing my sons into this world. I love those boys with every fiber of my being and I am very proud...

Have you ever felt like somewhere is just too small for you? Like your personality or your being is just too big for where you are? This is how I feel about Carroll. People in my life keep trying to convince me that I should stay here. And I appreciate that they don't want me to go - well most of them, anyway.  Here's the truth of it, though. I've never felt like I can truly be me, here. This town is notorious for wanting to label people, wanting everyone to fit in their identical little redneck, conservative box. But that has never been me.  Even as a child, I resisted being labeled. I remember saying - many times - that I don't do labels. I never belonged to any of the cliques - though I did talk to people in each one. I was the weird girl that was funny, a bit crazy, a bit mysterious, and kind of scary - apparently. That last one still makes me chuckle.  I was the girl with the deliberately mismatched socks and earrings, who wore her hair long on one side and beaded ...

  "You said normal girls were 'boring' But you were gone by the morning You kicked out the stage lights, But you're still performing And in plain sight you hid But you are what you did And I'll forget you, But I'll never forgive The smallest man who ever lived." - The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived by Taylor Swift, released on her album The Tortured Poets Department in 2024 For the last several years, a few people in my life have been telling me that - despite my insistence to stay single - they were sure that I would find someone when I least expected it. And I believed them. Don't get me wrong, I don't blame them for the story that is about to unfold. I know they said these words with love and good intention. And I love them for that. I only bring it up to explain the point I make later in this writing. Anyway... I was talking to someone awhile ago. Or I thought I was.  When we met, it was straight out of the movies. Our eyes met and there was an i...

 I have been quite fascinated with the topic of love and falling in love, the last couple months. Back in December, I wrote about realizing that I have never truly been in love. That realization has been on my mind a lot since occurring to me.  I was talking to a friend, today, about relationships and love and being independent. He had some very interesting insights on being independent and commented that he felt that a person could become too independent. And no, this wasn't a guy being a typical guy and trying to say that women need men. He was adamant that men are just as guilty of being too independent and thinking that they don't need a woman.  He was also quick to clarify that there was nothing wrong with being independent, but he believes that we all need someone in our lives to be there for us, to offer support, and all of that. I'm paraphrasing and summing up, here. And I agree with him 100%. I have to say, it was very fascinating to hear the views of this topic,...

  "What's the point?" I'll be honest, I have asked myself this question too many times in this last week.  I know some of you are thinking that this is a ridiculous and very dramatic way to react to my car giving out on me. But this was just one more block of the many that have been thrown in my path since September. And when you have too many types of anxiety - including paranoia, PTSD, and panic disorder - sometimes being rational is just beyond comprehension.  Full disclosure? I feel like things have been one thing after another since April 11, 2023. And I have wondered, many times, if I am being punished for my failure on that day. It's possible I have not dealt with that day as well as I thought. Or at all... And, just when it seems that things are finally going to go my way, something new happens. Yes, I know that most people feel like this at some point in their lives. But for me, with my disorders and history, these feelings can manifest into feelings of f...