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Queer, Asexual, Aromantic - How I got here

This year marks 10 years since I officially came out.  I have known that I was different since I was very young. But I could never tell anyone.  I couldn't tell anyone when I had a girlfriend. I couldn't tell anyone about all the confusing thoughts and feelings that were constantly swirling inside of me and echoing throughout my mind. Insomnia has been my nighttime companion for as long as I can remember. Having all this going on inside of me was one of the reasons for that. Even during my years in counseling, I never spoke about my interest in girls or my aversion to sex or confusion over what I was or - more accurately - not feeling, inside.  Nope, I was a proper girl who was raised in the heart of redneck Ohio. I dated the boys and pretended to enjoy sex and convinced myself that I wanted to fall in love and I had the kids. The only part of all of that I didn't hate was bringing my sons into this world. I love those boys with every fiber of my being and I am very proud...
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This Place Isn't My Home But It Is The Place That Built Me.

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Have you ever felt like somewhere is just too small for you? Like your personality or your being is just too big for where you are? This is how I feel about Carroll. People in my life keep trying to convince me that I should stay here. And I appreciate that they don't want me to go - well most of them, anyway.  Here's the truth of it, though. I've never felt like I can truly be me, here. This town is notorious for wanting to label people, wanting everyone to fit in their identical little redneck, conservative box. But that has never been me.  Even as a child, I resisted being labeled. I remember saying - many times - that I don't do labels. I never belonged to any of the cliques - though I did talk to people in each one. I was the weird girl that was funny, a bit crazy, a bit mysterious, and kind of scary - apparently. That last one still makes me chuckle.  I was the girl with the deliberately mismatched socks and earrings, who wore her hair long on one side and beaded ...
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Location: Carroll, OH 43112, USA
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Reminders From A Small Man

  "You said normal girls were 'boring' But you were gone by the morning You kicked out the stage lights, But you're still performing And in plain sight you hid But you are what you did And I'll forget you, But I'll never forgive The smallest man who ever lived." - The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived by Taylor Swift, released on her album The Tortured Poets Department in 2024 For the last several years, a few people in my life have been telling me that - despite my insistence to stay single - they were sure that I would find someone when I least expected it. And I believed them. Don't get me wrong, I don't blame them for the story that is about to unfold. I know they said these words with love and good intention. And I love them for that. I only bring it up to explain the point I make later in this writing. Anyway... I was talking to someone awhile ago. Or I thought I was.  When we met, it was straight out of the movies. Our eyes met and there was an i...
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Location: Carroll, OH 43112, USA
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I Am Beautiful Chaos

 I have been quite fascinated with the topic of love and falling in love, the last couple months. Back in December, I wrote about realizing that I have never truly been in love. That realization has been on my mind a lot since occurring to me.  I was talking to a friend, today, about relationships and love and being independent. He had some very interesting insights on being independent and commented that he felt that a person could become too independent. And no, this wasn't a guy being a typical guy and trying to say that women need men. He was adamant that men are just as guilty of being too independent and thinking that they don't need a woman.  He was also quick to clarify that there was nothing wrong with being independent, but he believes that we all need someone in our lives to be there for us, to offer support, and all of that. I'm paraphrasing and summing up, here. And I agree with him 100%. I have to say, it was very fascinating to hear the views of this topic,...
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2025 is off to a roaring start...

  "What's the point?" I'll be honest, I have asked myself this question too many times in this last week.  I know some of you are thinking that this is a ridiculous and very dramatic way to react to my car giving out on me. But this was just one more block of the many that have been thrown in my path since September. And when you have too many types of anxiety - including paranoia, PTSD, and panic disorder - sometimes being rational is just beyond comprehension.  Full disclosure? I feel like things have been one thing after another since April 11, 2023. And I have wondered, many times, if I am being punished for my failure on that day. It's possible I have not dealt with that day as well as I thought. Or at all... And, just when it seems that things are finally going to go my way, something new happens. Yes, I know that most people feel like this at some point in their lives. But for me, with my disorders and history, these feelings can manifest into feelings of f...
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Location: Carroll, OH 43112, USA
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2025 - The Year Everything Changes

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  2024 First, let's talk about 2024. The last few days, I have seen many social media posts about the kind of 2024 people had. Some had a wonderful year - and I love that for them. Some had a hard and traumatic year - and my heart goes out to them. Some had a year that was either both good and bad, or neither good or bad - it was a year of ups and downs. Me, I have always been one of those people that will post about the bad as quickly as I post about the good. Life is both and so both should be acknowledge and respected and even celebrated. For without the bad, we cannot have the good. And without the good, we cannot have the bad.  So, what was 2024 to me?  It was progress and regression. It was pain and joy. It was grief and understanding. See, both good and bad.  There was no catastrophic or over joyous events, this year. Mostly, it was a year of continuing to deal with the events, trauma's, and lessons of 2023. It was a continuation of learning who I am, what I a...
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Realizations about Love: A True Christmas Miracle

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 So I was watching The Merry Gentleman, earlier this week, and I had an epiphany.  I know I have talked, often, in this blog about being in love and how I am pretty sure that it has never truly happened to me. Since my last blog, I have become even more convinced of that. I have also accepted that - at least for now - it will remain that way. And I am okay with that.  Writing about things has always been part of my process of figuring things out and trying to understand them. My mind is always so chaotic. Writing things down gets them out of my head and allows me to truly see them and analyze them. In a lot of ways, this blog is my version of Dumbledore's Pensieve.  I have come to the realization that one of the reasons I was always so reluctant to watch romance movies was because they are a constant reminder of what I have never had. There are very few romance movies that make my top 20 of favorite movies, much less my top 10. And they’re not even considered romance...
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Location: Carroll, OH 43112, USA
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