Queer, Asexual, Aromantic - How I got here

This year marks 10 years since I officially came out. 

I have known that I was different since I was very young. But I could never tell anyone. 

I couldn't tell anyone when I had a girlfriend. I couldn't tell anyone about all the confusing thoughts and feelings that were constantly swirling inside of me and echoing throughout my mind. Insomnia has been my nighttime companion for as long as I can remember. Having all this going on inside of me was one of the reasons for that. Even during my years in counseling, I never spoke about my interest in girls or my aversion to sex or confusion over what I was or - more accurately - not feeling, inside. 

Nope, I was a proper girl who was raised in the heart of redneck Ohio. I dated the boys and pretended to enjoy sex and convinced myself that I wanted to fall in love and I had the kids. The only part of all of that I didn't hate was bringing my sons into this world. I love those boys with every fiber of my being and I am very proud of both of them. 

In the show Heartstopper (the inspiration for this latest twist in my journey), Mr. Ajayi tells Charlie, "Don't let anyone make you disappear, Charlie." And that is such great advice. In 10th grade, I had a teacher give me similar advice. How he knew I was hiding so much, I'll never know. I guess he just saw through the angry, lost, and confused teen who used sarcasm as a defense mechanism. Anyway, I really wish I had listened to him. But I didn't. It would take me another decade before I finally 'came out' into the light. And even then, I was only telling part of my story.

Since coming out, I have bounced back and forth on exactly how to classify what I am. Honestly, I have always felt that I am a lesbian. Women have always made me feel a way that men just do not. However, when I moved back to my hometown and started hanging out at the local bar alot, I let people convince me that I was bisexual. That didn't actually feel right, but it made the rednecks in my Ohio village more comfortable and it was easier to play along than try to explain to people who wouldn't get it. Or even care. 

But since pulling away from that group of people and no longer hanging out in this town, I have been able to fully access myself without the influence or expectations of people who don't really give a damn about me. I cannot blame it solely on the people of this town. They are uneducated on certain matters and were raised to believe certain things. 

Some of the blame lies with me. I was terrified that there was something seriously wrong with me. That I was missing some vital thing that made me a human being. So I fought it and pushed it down, doing my best to pretend it wasn't there. 

Thankfully, I now have a very small circle of people that love and accept me, fully. They may not understand everything that I am, but they try. They listen and they don't judge. They just let me be me.

While I do prefer women to men, I can't say that I'm actually attracted to either. Over the years, I did my best to convince myself - and everyone else - that I do feel attraction and desire. The truth is, it's not just love I have never felt. I have never truly felt attraction or real desire for anyone. Something I have only recently been able to admit to myself.

Back in December, I had the realization that I have never truly been in love. And that discovery did not devastate me. It felt right. There have been so many times, over the years, that I have been convinced that I am meant to be single. History shows that I am happier and my life is better when I am. Couple all of that with finally admitting to never feeling attraction or desire for anyone - well, it brings everything about me in a new light. And it adds a new branch to my Queer path. 

Asexual and Aromantic. 

Here is where the Heartstopper influence enters the chat. 

I have been exploring that I might be asexual for some time now. I definitely believe that is part of who I am. But I had never given any thought to aromantic. I had heard the term, of course, but had not considered that it could be a part of who I am. Until Heartstopper. Watching that show, feeling an affinity with the character of Isaac, and hearing about aromantic along side of him, something inside of me clicked. 

 Now, I just binged the show during the first weekend of May, so I just started researching and learning about aromantic. But, so far, what I have learned makes sense and feels right.

What I can say, for sure, is that being aromantic does not mean that I hate love or don't believe in it. Both things I have thought I believed at different points in my life. But I know that is wrong, now. I do believe in love - for others. And I love seeing people in love, I love seeing happy couples. It brings me peace and joy to know that kind of love is out there for so many. 

Though I will proudly say that Queer relationships bring me an extra level of joy that straight relationships don't. Maybe it's because I know how much harder it is for them to be able to find that joy and retain and maintain it. A fault that lies with society and hetero-norms 🙄

On the flip side of all of that, I do love looking at both men and women. I find the human form beautiful and fascinating. And, while I know it is not desire or attraction, the female form does make me feel a way that the male form just doesn't. 

While I do not feel sexual attraction or desire, I do enjoy kissing. I love kissing, actually. It's fun and interesting and you can learn a lot about a person in a kiss. But the minute it starts to turn into something more, I get uncomfortable, like something inside of me just switches off or goes cold. 

I have always found sex, and sexual acts, to be messy and smelly and uncomfortable and just kind of gross. Too many times, while involved in an 'encounter' for lack of better word, I found myself wishing for it to be over. This would definitely be why most of my encounters occurred while I was in an actual relationship. The number of partners I have had can be counted on both hands with a finger or two left over. Two of those were one night stands, two were friends and things would just kind of happen after a night of drinking at the bar. The remaining four were relationships that lasted from about a year to eight years.

So what, exactly, does it mean to be an aromantic asexual queer? Well, let's break it down. 

Aromantic is people who feel no romantic attraction, or very little attraction, towards anyone. Some may experience non-romantic attraction or relationships that are intimate in a non-romantic way. Aromantics do feel love and affection for family, friends, and others in their life. Common traits for aromantics are - they don't find the idea of romantic relationships appealing, they find romantic stories confusing or difficult to relate to, develop strong but nonromantic connections, and find romantic plots in movies or shows unnecessary. All but the last of this is me to a T. *

 Asexual is people who do not feel sexual attraction, or very little/conditional sexual attraction. Some do feel other attractions, such as romantic or sensual. An asexual can engage in sexual acts, despite feeling no desire for it. This is done for a variety of reasons. Common traits for asexuals are - they have no interest in sex or intimacy, find others attractive but are not attracted to them, enjoy hugging and kissing but don't want more, and find sex scenes boring or unnecessary. Again, all but the last is me to a T. *

I don't find romantic or sex scenes unnecessary because I do understand that most people enjoy them and they can be used to forward the plot. So, while they don't do anything for me, I do not see them as unnecessary. Boring, yes, but not unnecessary. 

What this all means for me is that I don't feel romantic or sexual attractions for anyone. Which would be why I have always said that I don't think romance is for me. I am not interested in sex or sexual acts with anyone. What I do experience is unconditional love for my chosen family - if you're one of them, you know who you are. 

Outside of that is what I call spiritual attraction. This would be people outside of that chosen family that I have a deep spiritual connection with. People whose souls call to me. And, if I were to ever be in a relationship again, it would be with someone I enjoy spending time with and enjoys spending time with me. Someone that loves laughing and talking and dancing and singing and just hanging out with me. Someone that I have much in common with - particularly our love of certain celebrities, a love for traveling, and a love for theatre and Broadway. 

Learning all this about myself makes me want to find others like me. People who understand what it is like to not feel sexual desire or romantic love. I know they're out there somewhere.

Figuring all this out really shines a new light on everything - my favorite movies, shows, music and even actors. Also, it's weird, but the closer I get to figuring myself out, with each step I take to learning who I truly am - my life as a whole gets better. Not just the way I feel about myself and my life - but what is actually happening in my life, as well. 

And I am so very excited about the future that I know is just around the corner.

*You can find this information and so much more at

https://lgbtqia.fandom.com/wiki/LGBTQIA%2B_Wiki