Saying Goodbye - The Good and The Bad

 You slipped a couple of times, but it's fine

"Cause if I started pointing fingers, you would see mine

I don't wanna judge you

You see from the side when I'm blind

You're the one I'm callin' when I need a lifeline.

But I don't wanna lose you

Whatever weather, if it's rain or shine

Whether it's pain, pleasure, good and hard times

We might go 'round and 'round, but I won't back down

People they come and people they go

When the leaves change and the colors they show

Can you hold on through the seasons

Through the seasons

Through every high and through every low

A beautiful lie, it never gets old

Can you hold on through the seasons?

- Seasons by Thirty Seconds to Mars released July 2023 on their It's The End Of The World But It's A Beautiful Day 

Thirty Seconds to Mars has to be one of the best Alternative groups to exist. It's hard to believe that the lead singer, Jared Leto, first won my devotion way back in 1994 as the complicated and brooding Jordan Catalano on My So Called Life. Several years later - early 2000's - he would reappear and reignite my devotion. He and his brother Shannon came on the scene with their debut as Thirty Seconds to Mars. Since then, it has been the most beautiful love affair between myself and their music. The above song is just a small but absolutely gorgeous example as to why. 

This song resonates with me so very much, right now. I am entering my final season in this tiny town where I have spent my entire life. Though my move is still months away, it's really hitting me that I'll be leaving the only place I have ever known. 

As we pass the midpoint of November and enter the holiday season, it dawns on me that this will be my last holiday season here. For a few years, anyway. Which also means that this will be my last Ohio summer and my last Ohio fall. 

I know leaving Ohio is the right move, for me. But I have spent my whole life here. It is all that I know. There is so much that I will miss. But there is just as much that I won't miss. 

I will miss the beauty and peace of this little country village. A country village that sits on a hill above Route 33 in Fairfield County, about 24 minutes southeast from Columbus. I will miss the comfort that living in a town that only has just over 500 people in it (as of the 2021 census) can offer. I will miss the friends that I have known for all or most of my life. I will miss the security that being a country girl comes with. I will miss the gorgeous sunsets. I will miss the twin trees across the street from me. Most of all, I will miss the two sons that I raised here. And my younger sister and 2 nephews that live across the street. 

I will not miss Ohio drivers. I will not miss the fact that this town does not seem to know how to clean snow off the streets. I will not miss the drama and gossip that comes with living in a town that only consists of 500 people. 

I will not miss being the only Geek that loves Supernatural and Doctor Who and Comic Books and Broadway Musicals. I will not miss not having anyone that understand my devotion to actors like Dylan or Josh or Jeremy or Skylar. I will not miss not having anyone to talk to about the things I love. I will not miss being the only out and proud Queer member of this little Ohio town. 

I will not miss how lonely being the only person like me in this town makes me feel. Nor will I miss no one understanding that. 

I will not miss being the rare liberal in a town where many people still believe that Donald Trump is the best choice for President. 

And I will NOT miss the denial that a majority of the people in this town insist on living in when it comes to who and what I am. 

For example...

Back in August, I was hanging out in the little bar here in town. The same one I have spent so much time in, since moving back in with my mom to take care of her, 5 years ago. I was hanging with the same group of friends as always, surrounded by the same regulars as always. Most of whom I have known the majority of my life. 

Someone asked me where I was moving. When I listed off the short list of places I was looking into - New York, California, and Georgia - one of the guys, a guy that has been like a brother to me my whole life, asked me why I was looking at Democratic snowflake states. 

Ohio is very much a Republican state, especially the rural areas. 

When I replied that I was looking at states where I thought I would fit in and be accepted the best, because I am a liberal snowflake, the room immediately erupted in denial. You would have thought that I declared I was the next ruler of hell.

Actually, I have declared that before, and got a far less violent reaction. 

A loud chorus of 'No, you're not!' resounded around me. This was followed by the definitions of what they felt a snowflake to be. 

I just stood there looking at everyone, completely speechless. And, believe me, that is saying A LOT! All I kept thinking was how do these people truly not know me? Are they really in denial about who I am? Do they just not care? What is going on here? 

Over the last few months, I have given it quite a bit of thought. To a conservative, a snowflake is someone that is overly sensitive and just wants to whine about everything they don't like. 

Anyone else see the irony, there?! 

To a liberal, a snowflake is someone that cares about others, that wants equality for all people and all communities. Snowflakes are people that love others and fight for justice and what is and should be right. We are more than willing to work our fingers to the bone. All we are asking for is equality and being given a fair shot. For everyone. These are all things that define me and that I strongly believe in and represent. 

How these people - people that say they are my friends - refuse to acknowledge and accept that, is baffling. They know that I am queer, they know that I have a bi-racial son, they know that I am not religious and that I don't worship their god. So the fact that they would all be shocked when I call myself a liberal and a snowflake is amusingly confusing. 

I do have a theory. If they acknowledge that I am actually everything they are determined to hate, then they will have to take a closer look at themselves. Maybe even start questioning the things they believe and why they believe them. No one likes to be confronted with questioning things about themselves, especially their beliefs and affiliations. 

Now, not everyone in this town is like that. There are a few other liberals. And they have been an amazing support for me. They have made it clear that they are in full support of my queerness and they will fight with me for my right to be so. Though they don't understand my geekiness or my strange devotion to my favorite actors, they are very supportive of my eccentricities. 

As much as I do care about these people, even the ones that stand against everything that I am - I don't belong here. I have felt that all my life. I have said it many times, all my life. It is time to do something about it. 

It is time to find my true place in the world. Somewhere out there are other geeks who love what I love. Somewhere, there are other Queers and Gays and LGBTQ+ that are damn proud to be so. That are willing to show it and talk about it. Somewhere, there are Broadway fans that want to talk about plays and musicals and that - when I burst into song - will know the musical and sing along with me. Somewhere, there are people that share and understand my respect and admiration for actors whose work has inspired and touched me and that motivates me, every day. 

It is time for me to find those people and that place. 

Originally posted November 19, 2023

UPDATE - I am still here, in this little town. I have pushed my move back to the fall of 2024. It turned out, dealing with getting this house cleaned out and still trying to maintain a day job and deal with my grief and keep living, was more demanding than I counted on. But that's okay. I am excited about getting one last summer here. I have cut out all the Conservative people from my life. The climate of society has just gotten so volatile towards my communities and the other minority communities that I support, that I can no longer live a 'we'll agree to disagree' life. The only people I am allowing in my life are people that feel as I do, that think as I do. People that truly care about people. I cannot have hate and judgment around me. So, I stay focused on what I need to do and the people that truly love me and will fight for me and with me. It's the only life that is acceptable these days.