Coping, Rebuilding, and Finding That Somewhere I Belong

 I wanna heal, I wanna feel

What I thought was never real

I wanna let go of the pain I felt so long

I wanna heal, I wanna feel

Like I'm close to something real

I wanna find something I've wanted all along

Somewhere I belong

- Somewhere I Belong by Linkin Park released on their 2003 album Meteora

This poor blog has been so neglected in the last couple months. Since losing my mom, it was like everything just froze. Especially me. There have been so many emotions and thoughts and everything just constantly swirling through me. My emotional and mental states have been a ridiculous roller coaster ride. 

Another reason is that I feel like every time I open my mouth or put my fingers to my keyboard, it is to whine and talk about how hard the last couple of months have been. I am sure that everyone is tired of hearing about my trauma. Or reading about it. I mean, who wants to hear or read depressing stuff all the time? I hate the thought of being the girl that is constantly bringing people down. That has never been my role in life. I have always been the funny one, the one that keeps it real, the strong one. 

That last one is another reason that I have not published in awhile. There have been too many times, in the last few weeks, that I have not felt strong. Some of the things I have been feeling and thinking have just made the guilt and trauma that much deeper. 

While dealing with all that, I have also begun to work on cleaning out the house. That, of course, brings its own kind of guilt. Every time I throw something away or set it aside for donation or to be sold, I can't help but wonder if it's too soon. Am I moving too fast? How mad would she be about me getting rid of her stuff? 

Rationally, I know I have no choice. I am working on a deadline, here. Nonetheless, those thoughts haunt me as I am going through things. 

Of course, that deadline brings its own thoughts. As I work on the house, I think about where I will be this time next year. In a whole new state and in a big city, surrounded by new people and new experiences. For the first time in my life, I will be completely on my own and responsible for no one but myself. 

I don't really have any fear of that, yet. Mostly, I feel excited and curious and hopeful. Yep, hopeful. I know, weird, right? But maybe not, if you have been a regular reader of this blog. 

I have mentioned, a few times, about never feeling like I really belonged to this tiny little town in the middle of Ohio. I have just always been different. It's not just the Queer thing, though that is a big part of it. Most people here just don't think like I do. They don't like the things that I like, don't feel the things that I feel. 

I am a progressive, liberal Pomegranate plant trying to grow in a conservative, MAGA cornfield. 

Not to say that I have never had friends here. Because I have and I do. I have had great friends and acquaintances. Currently, I have several different friend groups of wonderful people. More accurately, I circle the perimeter of these groups. I talk to a couple of them a few times a week. I see some of them anywhere from once a week to a couple times a month. 

Most of them are married or in long term relationships, some have school age children. So most of their time goes to these relationships and families. That is as it should be. When the one group gets together, they are all couples, so I would not expect to be invited to those get togethers. I mean, who wants the weird single girl at their couples parties. 

I don't get angry or upset that they may or may not do things without me. As I said, I am very different from most of them. I also know that most of them don't read this blog. They don't agree with most of what I write about or have an interest in most of it. 

But we do have fun when we hang out. We laugh and dance and sing and just have a good time. 

If I am being totally honest, I have always longed for a place that I truly belong, a place that really gets me and all the things I love. A place where I actually belong to the group, not on the outskirts. A group of friends that understands my love of Supernatural and Doctor Who and Fringe and Teen Wolf and Arrow and all things Geek and Nerd. 

A group that understands my complete devotion to Dylan O'Brien and Joshua Jackson and Skylar Astin and Jeremy Jordan and their entire catalouges of work. A group that understands how and why I relate to these men so much more than any woman. 

A group that understands my love of and obsession with all things Broadway and Musical Theatre. That understands my love of fine wines. That understands why my love of music ranges from Jazz and Musicals to Alt-Rock and Obscure. 

People that love most of or all of these things as much as I do. People that want to talk about them with me, sing and dance to the music with me, go to the plays and musicals with me, sit and watch the shows and movies with me, drink the wine with me. 

I haven't been to New York City since 2007, but I had been there several times in the years from 2000 to 2007. Each time I was there, as soon as I stepped out into the city, it was like coming home. I felt comfortable there. Like I would be understood and accepted there. 

In the last 2 years, as I have delved deep into the psyche of who I truly am, as I have re-immersed myself in my dream to be a writer and work with the big names, my love of and desire to be a part of NYC has returned with such force that it leaves me breathless. The friendships that I have formed with people that live there only confirm that I will fit in and be understood there. That I belong there. 

Despite the trauma and loss and all the bad times that Ohio has given me, I can't say that my life is hard or even unfair. Because it's really not. I can't complain about where my life is now. Our lives are a product of the decisions we have made. All of my decisions - good and bad - have made me who I am today. They have set me on the path that I am on. And Ohio has given me some great times and wonderful memories, as well. 

I do believe Ohio has taught me all she can, given me all that she has for me. Now it is time to close the book of my life titled 'Ohio'. All of the chapters have been written. This last chapter will serve as an incredible ending of this book. It will be a great set up for the sequel to come. 

It is time to move on to that new book titled 'New York'. All the new chapters she will write for me, all the new lessons she has for me. All the new things that she has to give me. It's going to be an epic journey. 

Originally published June 22, 2023

UPDATE - I am still planning to move to New York. The fact that people keep trying to dissuade me by bringing up how expensive it is just makes me more determined. I thought I had to be out of this house by next month, but the Landlord assured me that I could stay here as long as I needed. That was very helpful as grief set back my timeline. Having that deadline lifted has made things much easier. The new plan is to be out of here by the fall. I have no desire to spend another winter in this cold house that runs a $300 a month gas bill but never gets warm. Also, I am hardly spending time with that group of couple friends. There are just too many differences there. I have gotten even closer to Shellie and Mandy, though. They have been such a source of comfort and love and support for me these last few years. And even though they don't understand my interests, they are still willing to listen to me talk about them. They really know how to make a girl feel like she matters. They accept me fully, everything about who I am, and I know that they love me. I hope I do a good job of letting them know that I love them, as well.