Love is patient. All you need is love. Love conquers all. What is love?

 I hate the phrase 'Love conquers all'

And I hate that it's true

'Cause I wanna not hate things 

When I'm with you

You love so many things

And you have so much fun

It makes me wish

My hating days were done.

- I Hate Everything But You from Crazy Ex-Girlfriend Season 4, as performed by Skylar Astin, Written by Rachel Bloom, Adam Schlesinger & Jack Dolgen

I'll be honest - and if you've been following this blog at all, this will not come as a surprise - when Crazy Ex-Girlfriend was originally on, I only watched Season 4. And, yes, that was because Skylar came on. However, I have now seen all 4 seasons and it is a great show. And relatable if you have ever struggled with your mental health. 

But to the song above, there is so much to love about this little song. Skylar's hilarious delivery and Rachel's genius lyrics, aside, of course. 

It is the perfect definition of a paradox. And it works, brilliantly. In my opinion, the first line here is one of the most beautiful lines to ever be spoken or, in this case, sung on television. It's passionate, it's brutally honest and it brings up that deeply buried desire that all of us eternally single people want to be true. 

We want to believe that Love conquers all and that it will find us. This line is the spoken ... err ... sung embodiment of that longing. And Skylar's delivery, his facial expressions and fervor, are on point. 

Let's be clear on what kind of love I am talking about, here. I am talking about romantic love. Not the love you have for your family - biological or chosen. Not the love you have for your friends. Those are different kinds of love and topics for another day. On this day, we are talking about falling in love, finding your soulmate, finding your life partner - romantic love. 

So, what is love? And why do some people find it early and are able to keep it? And why do some people just have the worst luck with it - leaving them convinced that it is not meant for them? 

What makes people attracted to certain other people? Or makes someone attracted to someone that is not attracted to them? Even worse, what makes someone attracted to someone that doesn't even know they are alive? 

All legit questions. All without definitive answers. There are so many theories and opinions and rationalizations on the mysteries of love and being in love and attraction. I actually tried to do a study on the mysteries of love, years ago. It was pretty interesting. I wish I knew where my notes on it went. Probably in the storage shed, somewhere. 

Anyway, I had posed a different question every day and posted it on my old Facebook. People responded with their opinions and own personal experiences. The answers were fascinating. Especially, to a girl who is terrible at love. 

Have I ever been in love? That is an excellent question. A few years ago, I would have said yes without a second thought. I can think of a few times in my years, where I was completely sure that I was. But looking back on it all, now, I don't think so. Did I love any of them? Well, I did feel something for a few of them while I was in the relationship. But was it love? Or convenience? Was I fooling myself? Was I in love with the thought of being in love? And what about the other relationships? If I did not feel love for them, what did I feel? 

Whoa! Looks like we may be going deep on this one. Hope y'all are ready. 

So, let's put into perspective just how obsessed society is with love. The subject is, literally, everywhere. 

It is the subject of almost every song ever written. It is the A storyline in about 85% of all movies and tv shows. And, in the other 15%, it is a B storyline. Do not even get me started on The Hallmark Channel Movies. 

No matter where we turn, no matter which direction we look in - love is staring us in the face. And for those of us that just can't seem to find it, it can be a slow form of torture. Take the aforementioned Hallmark movies. I both love and hate them. They are cheesy and predictable, but so sweet and charming. And they punch a hole right through my bruised and battered heart. Most love stories do. 

And there is one of the major problems. Because of them, I have this fantastical idea of what I want in a partner. 

I want the fairytale. I want romance. I want someone that loves musicals and theatre. I want someone that loves music and singing and dancing. Someone that will sing and dance with me - be it around the house or even out in public. Someone that is a geek, like me. Someone that will listen when I need to talk and hold me when the darkness closes in. Someone that knows I would do the same for them. 

So, how is it that I keep ending up with partners who are the exact opposite of all of that?

Philosophical beings will say that I had to go through all that to learn what I really wanted. That I had to experience all that hell so I can appreciate that love when it finally finds me. And that does make a sadistic kind of sense. 

Sadists will say that something in me is just automatically tuned into finding the only thing I know. That my psyche inherently seeks out what I grew up seeing and experiencing - what was always driven into me that I deserved and was worth.

Myself, I say it's because whichever Gods are overseeing my existence think it is hilarious. I mean, why else give me this capacity for so much love and romance and passion, then deny me the opportunity to share it with someone? 

It's funny - much of the time I am fine with being single and enjoy it. I look forward to being completely on my own with no one to worry about or take care of for the first time since I was 12. But, every now and then, out of nowhere - my heart will hurt and my chest will feel heavy - usually after listening to one of those songs or watching one of those shows or movies. Or catching sight of that one soul that lives in the back of my mind.

Then I get mad at myself. 

I spend much of that time reminding myself why not finding love is a good thing for me. I have this terrible penchant for completely losing myself in a relationship. I mean truly losing myself. I get so caught up in giving my all to the person, that who I am and what I love gets left behind. Of course, I also have a tendency to end up with people who love to tell me what I can and can't do. I give and give and allow them to take without giving anything back. Until I reach the point that I am drained and exhausted and beat down. 

Maybe they go hand in hand. Maybe I wouldn't be like that if I found someone that was not abusive and controlling and narcissistic. Maybe, if I found someone that loved me for me and shared a love for even some of the things I do, it would be different. The impossible to answer question here is, am I too damaged to find out? And will I meet someone who is brave enough to give it a go? 

Too often, lately, I feel like I am the only single person left in the world. All my friends are married or in long term relationships. Even my favorite celebrities that were single are falling in love. And while I am truly happy for all the wonderful couples I know, it definitely elevates my feelings of loneliness and that there is something fundamentally wrong with me. 

As to the questions I posed about myself and my past relationships - well, I have no definitive answers. All I have is speculation. And even that changes each time I think about it - depending on my state of my mind and what my heart feels at that moment. 

'Love - is there such a thing?' The first time I heard Melchior pose that question to Wendla, it struck me hard. And, every time I read or reflect on that particular musical, it still does. Everyone has their own answer and opinion on that question - just like every other one I brought up. Is there a right answer? Again, that is going to depend on the perspective of the person answering it. 

For me - well, right now I am at a place in life where I would have to say that No, there is no such thing as Love. At least not for me. Not right now. 

Originally posted on November 27, 2022

UPDATE - Parts of this are still accurate. I am still the only single person among my friends. I still feel like I am the only single person left in the world. And I am still good with being single, most of the time. But, I no longer feel broken or as if there is no fairytale story out there for me. I do believe that there is a partner out there for me, just not in Ohio. And I do believe I will meet them when the time is right. All of these questions still haunt me. I still find myself looking inside myself for the answers. But I no longer feel so fatalistic about my future in love. In the meantime, I am looking forward to where this new journey will take me. And the people it will bring into my life.