Social Anxiety and The Closure That May Never Come

I heard you're goin round, Playin the victim now

But don't even begin feelin I'm the one to blame

'Cause you dug your own grave

After all the fights and the lies, that you wanted to haunt me

But that won't work any more

No more, uh uh, it' over

"Cause if it wasn't for all your torture

I wouldn't know how to be this way now

And never back down

So I wanna say thank you

'Cause it makes me that much stronger

Makes me work a little bit harder 

So thanks for makin me a fighter

- as sung by Darren Criss as Blaine, Season 3 of Glee Episode 15 Big Brother - original song by 

Social Anxiety

Something I understand, but never thought would be a problem I would face in my battle with my Mental Health. I love people. 

Or, I used to. I have always had trust issues. But you don't need to trust people to sing and dance and make them laugh. I have always been great at the surface social interactions. 

But letting someone get close, I have never been good at that. I always seem to let the wrong people in. Whether it is a romantic or a platonic relationship, I have a history of having very very bad taste. And my latest attempts at friendship proved that. 

This is a bit of a long story - and traumatic - so consider this your trigger warning.

When my last relationship ended in October of 2018, I was devastated. I really believed I was in love with this girl and she completely destroyed me. I moved back to my hometown - a little redneck village in the middle of Ohio. As soon as I returned to town, my oldest friend (and enemy), Steph, heard I was back in town and came to my rescue. Steph got me out of the house and interacting with my community. And by that, I mean hanging out at the local bar. It is a very small town with very little to do. 

Everyone in town was perfectly happy to welcome me back. It made me feel like I had never left. I was raw and desperately needed to feel like I mattered. So, I started going out every weekend, drinking way too much, and numbing myself. I made some bad decisions and became something that I was not. But, eventually, I pulled it together enough to realize what I was doing and that it was not me. I continued to go out, but was making less bad decisions. 

During this period, I started getting closer to Angie, Patty, and Chris. 

Chris and I developed what I like to call a 'comfort friendship". We had a lot in common, including running from the pain of a shattered heart. He became my dance partner, my partner in crime, my confidant, and so much more. Had I been less of a mess, it could have been love. But the dancing and laughing and kissing and occasional hook up were exactly what I needed at that time. And more than enough. 

Eventually, I found a bit of peace. Unfortunately, it was not meant to last long. Once again, Steph and I moved back to enemies. For her own reasons, she told everyone in town that I had told her that I was in love with her and always had been and was waiting for her. I can guarantee that this was taken out of context of a drunken conversation. She is not my type. I confronted her about it, of course. At first, she denied it. When she did finally confess to it, she refused to apologize or to tell everyone that she had lied. So, I cut off the friendship. I spent more and more time with Angie, Patty, and Chris. 

For awhile, that went well. Again, I thought I had found peace. Even though I had nothing in common with these ladies and they were not interested in hearing about the things that I loved or listen to my music, I didn't let it get me down. I kept things surface and just enjoyed the laughs and the good times that we had. Then Brooke started coming around. 

Funnily enough, Brooke and I had a lot in common and should have been able to be good friends. And I tried. It did not take long for her to show what she truly thought of me, though. In July of 2020, we held a graduation party for Angie's daughter. It was a huge cookout, just outside of the village at the home of some mutual friends of ours. While there, I bumped into an old friend I had not seen in many years. He and I spent the whole party talking and catching up and laughing and having a good time. And there was an attraction, there. It was possible that this was the rare time where I would consider dating. But I never got to find out. 

After the party, we went to the bar. He and I continued to hang out and talk and it seemed like something really was there between us. Then I got up to go to the bathroom. When I came out, Brooke had taken my seat and was chatting with him. I took the seat on the other side of him and sat there for a few minutes. But Brooke was great at monopolizing the conversation and keeping his attention. So, I left them to it and went to hang out with some other 'friend'. I was hurt, but I didn't own him. As I said before, we had not seen each other for years and he was free to do what and who he wanted. By the end of the night he and Brooke were gone and someone told me that they had, indeed, left together. 

The next day, I was hanging out with Angie and Patty. Patty kept hinting that Brooke and him had hooked up, the night before. She was highly amused by it. When Brooke arrived, Patty made sure to bring it up, again. She and Brooke laughed and joked about it like it was no big deal. To her credit, Angie did not laugh or participate in this. Nor did she stick up for me or say anything about the situation, at all. 

Over the next 6 months, Brooke and Patty became a bit of a team against me. It was just little things here and there, little ways to make it clear that they did not care for my company and did not really want me around. Also, during this time, Brooke started sleeping with Chris. And me being the person I am, I made sure to keep a distance between Chris and I. 

In December of 2020, it all came to a head. Chris had put an end to hooking up with Brooke. At the bar, he told me that they were not sleeping together anymore and that he missed me. That night, it was like no time had passed with him. We danced, we laughed, we were out usual crazy selves. And, yes, there was kissing. Somewhere during the evening, Brooke fell off her stool and hurt her ankle. So we all left. I helped Angie get Brooke into Angie's apartment and then we took Chris home. I got Chris into his apartment and settled onto his couch. He did make a move, but he was very drunk and I was no longer interested in drunken hookups. Not even with my comfort friend. I finally got him to lay down on his couch and I left, walking home. 

By the next day, Angie and Patty and Brooke had decided that I was just the most terrible person. I was called out and told that what I did was terrible and wrong and that I pretty much stabbed Brooke in the back. I apologized and told them that nothing happened between Chris and I. But they didn't believe me. In no time, I had been all but cut out of the group. Angie would talk to me when the other two were not around, but when they were there, I did not exist for her. I was so hurt. I quit going out, quit talking to everyone. For 6 months, I pretty much disappeared. And they let me. 

I did have a few friends that got worried. They started messaging me every day to check on me. They reminded me that they were there if and when I needed them. I thanked them, but could not bring myself to talk about what happened. I felt so much guilt and like I was just this horrible person. I was a wreck. Even the thought of ending my life took hold. It was an every day battle to not entertain that thought.

 Finally, I did break and talked to someone not associated with this town or any of the people in it. She had some very interesting insights.

While she agreed that I could have handled the Chris thing a bit more delicately, she made me see that I had done nothing wrong. She reminded me that Brooke moved in on the guy back in July and that the girls thought this was funny and worth bragging about. She questioned why Angie and Patty didn't lash out at Brooke for what she did to me, back then. Then she pointed out that it could be said that Brooke did the same thing to me with Chris. The whole town knew that Chris and I had this weird friendship/relationship. But everyone seemed to think that it was okay for Brooke to move in on that, too. 

The more I talked to my friend, the angrier I got. She was right. Why was it okay for Brooke to snatch two guys out from under me? Did Angie and Patty think that it was okay because I am Queer and just as into girls? And why was I not important enough for Angie to stick up for me? Why didn't they tell Brooke that she was wrong for how she had treated me? 

As I reflected on all this, I started going out again. And talking to people, again. But my anger had overridden the pain. Every time I saw those girls, all I could think is 'they were never your friends' and 'they never really cared about me'. I was the funny one. the crazy, weird one that talked to every one and always kept the party going. But I was NOT their friend. And I realized that most of the people in town were not really my friends, either. They let me disappear. They did not check on me. They did not worry about me. So I stopped going out, again.

But it was different this time. I was not hiding. I was not blaming myself. Hell, I wasn't even really angry anymore. I just did not want to be around people that could treat me so callously and make me feel like such a horrible person. 

My one regret is that I will not confront them or say any of this out loud. I will not get to tell them what they put me through, how the whole situation affected me. I will not get any real closure. And as lonely as I was, I was too scared to ty being friends with anyone after all that. Which manifested itself into Social Anxiety. 

Writing all this was the first time I actually spoke about it all. Besides the counselor who first set me on the path to realizing the reality of the situation. There were things that helped me heal during 2021, but that is post for another day. 

UPDATE - I originally posted this back on July 6, 2022. This was one of the first blogs I posted and it really took a lot out of me to tell this story for the first time. I was nervous about the reaction it would get. But I needn't have been. Even though I changed all the names back then, everyone who read it knew who I was talking about. And the support I got from the people who truly care for me, was amazing and warmed my scared soul. 

Rewriting it today was pretty cathartic. I chose to use the actual names of the people involved. It is my story to tell, not theirs. And protecting their identities is no longer necessary. I did leave one name out, the guy from the July party. He is no longer with us and I left his name out, in respect for his memory. Besides, he did nothing wrong that night. As for the rest, Chris moved away. Steph and I were talking and hanging out, again. Until recently. Once again, the difference of who we are and what we believe became too apparent and made ending the friendship the best decision. I don't know what happened to Brook, nor do I care. As far as I know, Patty is married and seemingly happy. Angie is still around and as we still share mutual friends, we do end up at the same events. That used to bother me, but now I have no problem talking to her when we are in the same place. We'll never be close, again, but that is okay. 

It's been an interesting 2 years, since all this went down. I have done a lot of self reflection and learned a lot about myself. And I have changed so very much. I am a healthier person - mentally, physically, and spiritually. And I know better now than to ignore the red flags that people so blatantly fly. And I know who my real friends and supporters are. So, in a way, I owe Angie and Patty and Brooke and even Steph and Chris a huge thank you. So thank you guys, for teaching me some very valuable things about myself and helping set me onto the path of healing and self-discovery. I hope you all have wonderful lives. Truly.