Being Queer in 2023, Identifiers, Joy and Fear

 So, long live he who is gay!

Gay gay gay gay, every day. 

It means disasters hit

On a daily basis

But he doesn't quit

And he gaily faces

The dark and stormy sky

And tells that sky to clear up.

There's no reason why

A person shouldn't cheer up

I will testify

That life's as sweet as syrup.

And I'm not going away.

Anyone's allowed to be

And so I avowed to be 

Very very proud to be 

Very very gay

I'm here, I'm full of cheer, get used to it. 

- A Special Word as appears on The Violet Hour Musical written by Will Reynolds and Eric Price, performed by Brandon Uranowitz 

The Violet Hour is such a majestic, epic, beautiful piece of work. The writing, the songs, the singing - it is all sublime. And the casting - genius and perfect. The story is intriguing and engaging. I am constantly hoping that it will be a Broadway show someday, soon. 

The above song is one of my favorites. It is sung by Brandon Uranowitz, who is just amazing. He performs this song with fervor and humor and brilliance. The first time I heard it, I couldn't stop giggling. I still do. But, as a Queer Woman, it struck something deep inside of me, as well. 

Over the last couple of years, not only have I been working on finding the core of the real me - the bohemian me - I have also been working on figuring out my Sexual Identity. 

Since admitting my attraction to women, it has been a struggle to pinpoint exactly where I fall on the LGBTQ+ spectrum. 

For over 3 years, I went with lesbian because my girlfriend would accept nothing else. The problem with that, is that my previous attractions to men were not a lie. Nor were my previous attractions to women. 

Not long after I moved back home, someone called me a bisexual. I went with that for awhile, thinking maybe that was right. The problem there is that I am not just strictly attracted to women and men. I am, also, attracted to Trans Men and Trans Women. But I never felt like the pansexual identifier fit me, either. I always felt there was more to me than that. 

I have been reflecting back on all my previous relationships and attractions. I have been diving deep into my LGBTQ+ community and the different identifiers. I have finally found the ones that feel right. 

For over a year, my main identifier has been Queer. Partly because I am of the group that is determined to reclaim the word and make it something positive for my community. Also, it feels right. 

Let me tell you how much my 70 year old Mother has struggled to accept me using that word. I don't know if it's because she was raised with it being a negative word, if she can't accept the truth of me, or both. 

I don't ask. 

I told her this is me and it is a good thing. We have agreed to leave it at that. Believe it or not, that is a victory for me. If you know my Mom, you know what I mean. 

But I knew that there was more to me than being Queer. It was just a matter of figuring out what that was. I started asking questions and reading and researching. 

Let's start with defining Queer. Queer is an umbrella term and it means something a bit different to those of us that use it. 

For me, identifying as Queer is the best way of letting people know who I am, that there are many sides to how I identify, yet keeping it simple when meeting new people. Or easing in those that have known me for a long time. 

As an adjective, Queer also means strange or odd. And we all know that describes me, perfectly. 

Asexual or Ace means that you experience little to no sexual attraction, nor do you often have the desire for sexual contact. This is not to say that I have never been sexually attracted to someone or desired sex, because I have. But it has been rare. Most of the time, when I have had sex, it is because I was in a relationship and it was expected - even demanded. There were also those few times, after my last relationship ended, when I was drunk and not thinking about anything but making the pain stop. 

For the most part, though, sex has never been a priority. And it has rarely been enjoyable. My partners were few and far between. I mean, I went 9 years between relationships without having sex or even wanting it. And it has been over a year since my last sexual encounter, I haven't felt any pull or desire to fix that. 

I have always found sex messy and uncomfortable. 

If I am honest, this is one of the things that contributed to my youngest sons dad's wondering eye. 

I will say this - I love kissing. Kissing is so romantic and tender and exciting. For me, kissing expresses so much and does so much more than sex ever could. I am definitely a hard core romantic. I love romance. 

Gender Fluid means that my gender expression flows back and forth between more than one gender. This does not mean that I want to be a guy. But there are times when I do feel more masculine and I am not hesitant to express that side of me. There are times when I feel more feminine. I don't hesitate to express that side, either. I am just as comfortable in a suit and tie - bow tie, of course, because bow ties are cool (if you know, you know) as I am in a sparkly dress. 

Two-Spirit is the Native American term to express Queer and Transgender Identities. As I learn more about my Native American heritage, this term feels like home. 

Since taking these identifiers as my own, it has helped me feel much more comfortable in my own skin. Learning how to describe who I am and what I feel has brought my sense of inner peace to a new level. I have also figured out what my 'type' is - in all of the sexes. So if I ever decide to date again, at least now I know what I am looking for. 

Growing up and living where I live, it's not the easiest place to be who and what I am. Most people here have a difficult enough time with Gay, Lesbian, and Transgender. Throw the rest in there and they look like their heads will explode. This knowledge is one of the (many) reasons I pulled back and started staying home more. 

As most of you know, I live in a village in the middle of Ohio. I can't say that people have not been  accepting of me, here - because they have tried. In their own ways. But it's like they want me to be in a box. Either I'm a lesbian or I'm straight. When there was talk of me being bisexual, it didn't sit comfortably with most people. 

In their eyes, if I was interested in men then that meant that I was straight - making my past girlfriends, or any girl I was crushing on, insignificant in their eyes. I am pretty sure that most of them really don't believe that I am Queer. I think it is easier for them to believe that I am going through a phase or lying. 

This little town is not as open minded as it would like to think it is. 

My way of dealing with that was to hide myself away. It was easier than dealing with the questions and the side eye looks I would get anytime my sexuality came up. It even became a bit of a joke in certain circles. It was just easier and safer, for my mental health, to disappear. Not knowing how to describe it, myself, made it all the more difficult. 

Now, though, I know how to describe myself. I finally have a (mostly) complete understanding of myself and who I truly am. That makes understanding my place in this town easier to take. As that place is nowhere. But I am no longer hiding myself. 

I am talking to people, again. I am interacting. Partly because I do not want to move away and leave all these negative feelings festering. Because I know they will follow me, no matter how far away I get. 

And partly because there are people I miss seeing and talking too. I miss going to the bar and singing and dancing and laughing. So I have decided that I can resume doing that. I can resume interacting with this town. I have about a year or so left in this town and I want to enjoy it. I can do that and be my authentic self. 

Whether anyone chooses to understand me, is not my problem. Well, not anymore. I am happy with who I am. And more than thrilled to finally be beginning to understand everything about myself. 

Not to take away from the people in my life that are making the effort. I appreciate and love you and am grateful to have you as allies. 

But I know that somewhere out there are people who will not only accept these truths about me, but will understand them. Somewhere out there is my pack - people that are just like me. I am very much looking forward to the day when I join them. 

Until that day, I will continue to learn about myself and embrace my true self. I will continue to work for the future that I know is out there. And I will continue to love and appreciate the pack that I have here. 

And above all, I will stay very very proud to be very very gay... and queer. 

Originally posted February 4, 2023

UPDATE - Not really much to update on this one. I am back to not going out much, but that's more because I am so focused on writing and getting this house cleaned out. And I am just done with the bar scene and the people that go there. I still have my wonderful little pack of friends. And I am still learning about my identity as a Queer woman. And I love that more and more people are identifying as Queer. As I get deeper into the LGBTQ+ Community, I am finding my place in the Asexual and Gender Fluid communities, as well. It really is great to have people to talk to who understand exactly what I am going through.