Life, Death, Religion ... And the Point of it All

 Everyone talks about loss, like it's part of a story

A game we must play.

There's death and despair in the news every day. 

Hundreds of people who don't catch your eye

Hundreds of strangers who quietly die.

One sole companion you'd never imagine would go.

But what did you know?

Strange how the sun keeps on shining

What a false message it sends

Part of the saga of living is learning that everything ends.

- Prepared by Georgia Stitt, as sung by Jeremy Jordan

This is just one verse of this song. The entire song touches on every thought and feeling I have ever had about life and death. Georgia's words tell a heartbreaking story. And Jeremy's vocals are heart-wrenching and achingly beautiful. The song is a powerful and emotionally journey about loss. 

I have had a bit of obsession with death since my freshman year of high school. As my fellow Bloom-Carroll Alumni of the classes of 1991-1994 can attest, the 1990-1991 school year was brutal. Suicide and car accidents took too many people away from us all ,that year. 

For me, personally, it was a loss of 7 people in a 5 month period. 3 of those were BC classmates. The first one came in October of 1990. Ben and I had been best friends in junior high before his family moved to the next town over. Julie was a year ahead of me and we were in a club called SADD (Students Against Drunk Driving) together. The day she died, we had spent the lunch hour making fun of the school lunch and discussing the meeting that was coming up that weekend. She left us in December of 1990. 

In the first few months of 1991, I lost Heather, Ray, and Craig. Even though they were all kids I knew through other people, the losses still hit hard. 

Then there was Uncle Charlie. Uncle Charlie was my favorite uncle. He was the only one in my family that understood me. Every Thanksgiving, I would try to isolate myself from everyone. And he would always find me, talk to me, make me laugh, and get me to come and be a part of the family. I would have done anything for that man. Losing him took something from me that I never did get back. 

The last one, and the third from BC, came at the end of the school year. John and I were not friends. I don't think that we ever spoke a word to each other. Not because he was not a nice guy, because he was. From what I saw, he was kind and funny. We just did not run in the same circles. John was a football star and I was the weird, drifter, hippie girl. His loss devastated the whole school, including me. 

Since then, there have been other losses. Including the Grandmother who raised me - just weeks before I graduated from high school. Each loss has made me wonder about death and what comes after. 

Two weeks ago, I lost my friend Shelly. I have known Shelly for my whole life. We grew up together, went to school together, even worked together for a few years. 4 years ago, when the relationship I was in was crumbling around me, she was there. And when I had a mental break down at the beginning of 2021, Shelly was one of the 7 people that were there for me. She would message me almost every day to remind me that I was loved and that she was there when I needed her. She would send me silly memes and heartfelt quotes. It was odd - there were days when I was so close to throwing in the towel, so to speak, and being done. Somehow, Shelly would know and she would message me and say 'Hey, thinking of you. Everything okay?' And I would answer 'Not really. How did you know?' She never did have an answer. But she did have a magical way of pulling me off that edge. 

It kills me, every day, to know that those messages, those memes and quotes, will never come again. And, every day that I scroll Instagram, I look for her cute pictures. Shelly LOVED the filters and she played with them all the time. I miss those pictures so badly. 

And my questions about life and death continue to haunt me. Even more than ever. 

What is the point to life? Probably one of the oldest and most contested philosophical questions of all time. I have asked this question more times than I can count, over the years. And too many times, I have wondered if there is any point, at all. More often than not, life seems to be filled with pain and problems, drama and loneliness.

Of course, life is also fun. It can be filled with laughter and love. And music. For me, music is the breath of life. everything that has ever happened to me, music has been there. For the bad things, it has been there to help me cope. For the good things, it has been there to help me celebrate. Music is the only thing in life that has never let me down. 

But what does it all mean? Where is it all going? Why are we all here? Am I supposed to be learning some kind of lesson? And when this life is over, what then? What comes next? Is there some kind of reward at the end? Are we all 'just worm food' at the end, as Joey Tribiani so eloquently put it? 

Christians will tell you that we go to Heaven ... but only if you follow a book that was written by pompous, old, white men who constantly changed the book to make it say what they wanted it to say.

But most religions do believe in some form of afterlife. They are just far less strict than the Wrathful Christian God. The Vikings had Valhalla, the Greeks had Hades, the Egyptians had the Fields of Aaru, Judaism has the World to Come. And they each have their own versions of Hell and Purgatory. 

Then there is reincarnation. Most people do not believe in this one. It is definitely a Pagan belief. But this is one that I feel that most affinity toward. I am not religious. I consider myself to be spiritual, but not religious. I have been studying theology since I was 9 years old. I have pretty much taken the things that feel right and rolled them into my own belief system. 

Ultimately, none of us really know. And, if I am being honest, it bothers me way too much, sometimes. I spend a lot of time 'talking' to the sky, the stars, and whatever deities may rule there. I have seen enough, been through enough to believe that there is some kind of higher power. But not knowing the meaning or the point to it all, not knowing who or what this higher power is ... it does haunt me. 

I think that is, mostly, because I need to know that the people I have lost are okay. I cannot stand the thought that there is not something of them left, somewhere. It terrifies me. They were some of the best people I have ever had the honor to know. And if their spirits, their souls, are not living on somewhere, then it is an unjust world. 

Originally posted on August 20, 2022

UPDATE - Since the original writing of this blog, my questions and views on life and death have changed a bit. I no longer question the purpose of all of it. Nor do I question what happens after. I have solidified my beliefs and take comfort in them. I have chosen to focus more on the fun and joyful parts of life. And music continues to be my breath and my life. 

I lost my mother a year ago. In a weird way, I think that helped. As did the path of healing and self-discovery that I have been on. I continue to experience very 'out there' things that have also given more credence to my beliefs. 

As I begin to make changes to my life and prepare for the next chapter, I have no doubt that my path has a point, the journey is well worth it - and about to get even more exciting - and the destination will be fabulous.