Bad Choices, Heartbreak, and Choosing the Single Life

 Say something, I'm giving up on you

I'll be the one if you want me to.

Anywhere, I would have followed you.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.

And I - I'm feeling so small

It was over my head, I know nothing at all.

And I will stumble and fall. 

I'm still learning to love, just starting to crawl

Say something, I'm giving up on you.

I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you. 

Anywhere, I would've followed you.

Say something, I'm giving up on you. 

- Performed by Skylar Astin as Max on Season 2 of Zoey's Extraordinary Playlists, originally by A Great Big World

This is such a poignant song. And every time I listen to it, Skylar just breaks my heart. The pain in his voice is so real, that I cannot help but wonder what he was thinking about to get him in that place. 

So why do I listen to the song so often, if it breaks me? Well, being in love with Skylar's voice, aside - the song just really hits something inside of me. Remember that conversation we had a couple of blogs, ago, about how music can hit a person? This song is one of those for me. More specifically, Skylar singing it. The original is really good. But it does not move me like Skylar's version. 

Maybe, being someone that is notoriously bad at relationships has something to do with it. Maybe, being someone that has decided to remain single because she has very bad taste in partners has something to do with it. There are several things in play, here. 

In the last 28 years, I have been in 3 relationships. In two of those, I would have done absolutely anything for my partner - followed them anywhere. 

But they were masters at making me feel small and unimportant. I was definitely in over my head. I spent more time than I should have, asking for them to talk to me, tell me what they wanted from me, when I should have just walked away. 

My last relationship ended 4 years ago and it devastated me. I have mentioned this before. My point here is that my broken heart left me breathless and in a destructive state of mind. 

For several months, I was making some very bad choices. I couldn't see straight and I was not thinking clearly. But the last few years have been better. I came out of my fog and stopped making bad choices. And I realized that I just function better when I am single. 

When I am in a relationship, I give my all. To the point that I lose myself. I am the quintessential romantic. It is a very destructive and dangerous place for me to go. There is so much damage inside me - too many broken pieces - that no relationship will ever be able to work. 

So, I choose to be single. I choose not to date. I am not built for hookups and one night stands. 

Instead, I have been focusing on finding myself. And in chasing the dream that I have had since childhood. A dream that I believe I am good enough at to turn into a great career. I am stronger and healthier and more grounded that I have been in quite some time. 

Being single works really well for me. 

The problem is getting other people to understand that. People seem to think that choosing to be single is some sort of self-inflicted punishment. I get a lot of 'You'll find someone soon.' and 'The right person is just around the corner.' and even 'They will come when you least expect it.' I know that these things are said in love. And I truly appreciate the sentiment with which they are said. It does bother me, though. 

Being single is not a punishment. It is not a life sentence to loneliness and despair.

For me, being single is empowering and freeing. It allows me to truly be myself and to focus on what I want and need. Not having to worry about someone else's opinion or view or what they want. That may sound selfish, but after what I have been through, it is well earned. 

Do I get lonely? Of course, I do. But I turn on music and I sing and dance and perform all those feelings out. Then I feel better. 

UPDATE -  Originally posted on August 11, 2022 and I have learned so much, since then. Skylar's version of Say Something continues to move me. Skylar continues to be one of my favorite performers - in music, tv, and movies - dominating my top 4 with Dylan O'Brien, Jeremy Jordan, and Joshua Jackson. 

I am entering 5 1/2 years of being single and am still in a place where I know this is the right place for me to be, right now. However, I no longer consider myself damaged and broken. I am on the path to healing and being whole. And it has been a great journey. Especially these last couple months. I have also come to realize, that just maybe I am not doomed to be single for the rest of my life. Just maybe there is someone out there for me. Of course, my standards are much higher than they used to be. I also know that I need someone that is very similar to me. But I am open to the possibility that this person is out there. Just not in Ohio.