Toxic Relationships, The Fear of Being Single & Realizing It's Okay to be Single

 I can buy myself flowers

Write my name in the sand

Talk to myself for hours

Say things you don't understand

I can take myself dancing

And I can hold my own hand

Yeah, I can love me better than you can

- Flowers by Miley Cyrus released on January 13, 2023

Truly a great song. Only a week old and it's already a favorite. There are many things to admire about Miley, but her music is right at the top of the list. 

If anyone is looking for the definition of someone who has traveled to the edge and pulled themselves back - look no further than Miley Cyrus. The girl has been through so much and has come out stronger and braver than ever. 

The song is a perfect look at her strength and determination. And a stunning anthem for singles everywhere. 

Realistically, most humans just cannot stay single. We are, inherently, creatures of comfort. The need for love and connection burns through us like a raging fire. Just googling 'the human need for love' brings up article after article on the subject. It seems everyone that enjoys any kind of research has done so on this topic. There are scientific articles, philosophical articles, and psychological articles. 

It seems this is a mystery that everyone wants to solve. 

Before I get too deep into this, let me clarify my intent. I am not slamming or speaking out against relationships or people that are in them. Not even close. I know many people in relationships and they are completely happy. And I love that. 

What I am talking about are people that I like to call 'serial relationships'. I know! That's not a word in the real world. But in my geeky world, it is. These are people that go from relationship to relationship with a very short or no break at all, in between. 

I am not saying that I never did this. Because I did. 

When my then-husband told me he was cheating on me and leaving me for that woman, I was devastated. I know he was an abusive drunk, but I was 22 years old, had a 2 year old son, and had spent 6 years with this man. He had told me, over and over, during those years that I was worthless and could not survive without him. And I believed him. So him telling me that he was leaving me left me feeling terrified. If I couldn't survive without him, what was going to happen to me and my son? 

Just a couple of weeks later, I started dating one of the fathers at the daycare I worked at. Even though, my soon to be ex and I were still living in the same house. We were sleeping in separate rooms, but still. 

That relationship lasted for 8 years and gave me my youngest son. Then I found out he was cheating on me and that was the end of that one. 

At 30 years old, I had gotten the hint - I was terrible at choosing partners. I was terrible at being in a relationship. It was clear that I did not know how to be me and be in a relationship. I needed to learn how to live and function on my own. 

And I did. For 9 years, I stayed single. I didn't date, nor was I even tempted to do so. I worked, I went to school, and I focused on my sons. I did my best to give them the best life I could. To do so, I had to learn to live on my own, to rely on myself. I had to make them my priority. 

And you know, those were some of the best and happiest years of my life. 

I got to be mom. Or Mother, as my oldest son has always called me. Because he thinks it's more respectful, not because I remind him of a horror movie. Or at least that's what he said... 

I got to be a student at OUL. I got to work at a job that I enjoyed. I got to work on my writing and even had a few poems published. I got to watch what I wanted and listen to music when I wanted and read what I wanted and cook what I wanted. In short - I got to be Megan. 

Then I met 'her'. I truly believed that it was the real thing. The way I felt about her, well I had not felt that in my previous two relationships. The last time I felt that strong about someone was the last girl I dated - way back in my teen years. 

The first several months of that relationship were perfect. Or that is what I told myself. I ignored all the red flags that were telling me that I was falling into the same trap I always did. I ignored everything that told me that this girl was just as controlling and narcissistic and abusive as the others. I ignored all the indications that I was, once again, losing myself. Even when our roommate tried to make me see it, I wouldn't listen. 

I wanted to believe that she was my reward for spending most of my life in the closet. For suffering through all the emotional, mental, and physical abuse that I had been through. 

By the time reality finally set in, it was too late. I had, AGAIN, allowed the real me to be bullied and pushed under the surface. Again, I had allowed a narcissist to mold me into who and what they wanted me to be. I had forgotten all the lessons I had learned. I had let all the hard work that I spent 9 years doing on myself be washed away. 

That relationship ended when I caught her cheating on me.

Are we seeing a pattern here? 

For the third time, I had ended up in a toxic relationship with someone who did not know the meaning of monogamy or being faithful. From that moment on I started living by the old baseball rule '3 strikes and you're out.' 

It has been 4 years since that relationship ended and I have continued to live by that rule. I have not been in a relationship since. For awhile, after that breakup, I went a bit crazy and lived in a way I never had before. It didn't take long for me to remember that this was not who I was. I have always been picky about my sexual partners. More picky than I am about my relationship partners, apparently. I burned out, quickly, on the one night stand thing. 

For the last 3 years, I have been focused on getting myself back. I have covered this journey in bits and pieces, previously. 

Now that we have taken the scenic route - let's circle back to the original point. The point of the small outtakes of my past relationships was to show that I have walked the road of so desperately wanting to be loved and wanted and not being alone, that I was willing to sacrifice who I am for it. 

Jon Larson asked it so eloquently in the song "Louder than Words", 'Why do we stay with lovers who we know down deep just aren't right? Why would we rather put ourselves through hell, than sleep alone at night?' 

The fear of being single is a great place to start looking for those answers. I can honestly say that I have, once again, reached a point in my life where I am comfortable and happy with being single. Yes, I get lonely and yes, there are times when I wish I could find someone. But, thanks to the lessons I have learned, I know that I am better off walking this road of life, alone. I function much better living life single. Whatever fears I had before have been expunged. When the loneliness hits, it's easier to fight off. 

But what about the people that have not learned what I have? What about the people that are still afraid to be single? What about the people that cannot or will not walk that road alone? 

How do they expect to find true happiness when they keep lying to themselves? How long will they keep hiding their heads in the sand? 

All I can say is that I hope and pray that they do not have to go through the trauma and abuse that I did before they get there. 

For me, being single is truly freeing.

Most of the time.

Not having to worry about someone else's feelings or opinions is a relief. Not having to worry about how your decisions will affect them, being able to come and go, as you please, is liberating. 

There is a peace to being single that you just don't get in a relationship. The independence that you have to achieve, when you're single, is intoxicating. When you realize just how powerful you are, that is such a powerful feeling. 

As I said, it does get lonely. And there are times where I feel like I am the only single person left in the world. Then I remember the peace and independence and I am okay, again. 

To those of you that are staying in relationships or jumping from one to the other because you are afraid of being single and alone - it's not the depression and devastation that you think it is. It is freeing and wonderful and powerful. So much better than being stuck somewhere that you are not appreciated or allowed to be your true self. I promise that it will get easier. 

You got this! 

Originally published January 23, 2023

UPDATE - A year and a half later and I'm still single and loving it. I would not have made all the progress that I have if I had been dating. I have also reached a point where I no longer believe that I am meant to be single forever. I do believe that there is someone out there for me. I will meet them when the time is right, which is not yet. And I am pretty sure that they are not in Ohio. In the meantime, I stay focused on the goals, the dreams, and the future.